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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. This series extends
the concepts in Lessons 1-6, so study them first. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
This sub-series focuses on solving
common
between kids in
blended
stepfamilies.
Most ideas apply equally
to divorced or widowed parents and their minor and grown kids.
This series assumes you're familiar with...
Typical stepbrothers and stepsisters are "just plain kids" - going to
school, playing with friends, learning social skills and hobbies, and relating to
family
members, neighbors, and pets. At the same time, typical minor and
grown stepsiblings, and average half-sisters and brothers are con-fronted with
alien roles, relationships, and adjustment tasks that their
peers in intact biofamilies don't experience.
These questions and answers hilight the key things co-parents and supporters
need to know about typical stepsibling and half-sibling relationships.
Also see these...
-
Q&A about
stepchild and
stepparent
roles, relationships, and problems; and...
-
these
about stepsibling relationships.
Questions co-parents should ask about stepsiblings
1) What do average co-parents
need to know about
stepsiblings?
2) What do typical stepsiblings
need most from their co-parents and relatives?
3) How can co-parents best help stepsiblings
accept and bond with each other?
4)
What can we do if some stepsiblings
dislike each other?
5) What if stepsiblings feel
sexual attraction for each
other?
6) What is a
half-brother or half sister?
7) What special
needs do typical
half-siblings have, and how can co-parents best
help with
them?
8) How should
co-parents handle different
("fairness") about
child discipline in and between stepsiblings' homes?
9) What should
co-parents know about step-teens?
10)
What
can we do if one or more
stepsibs are psychologically wounded?
If you don't see your question here, please
ask!
Q1)
What do average co-parents
need to know about
stepsiblings?
Average co-parents and family supporters need to know that...
their kids each have normal
developmental needs and many
concurrent stepfamily-adjustment needs which many
adult stepsibs can't describe;
depending on their age, gender, and other
factors, minor kids' reactions to first learning they'll have a resident or
visiting stepbrother or sister may include delight, confusion
(ambivalence), insecurity, curiosity,
hostility,
jealousy, numbness, and/or
indifference;
stepsiblings
may or may not learn to
like,
respect, and
trust each other over
time; and will probably not "love" and
with each other like healthy biosiblings. There are exceptions,
specially cohabiting stepsibs raised together since early childhood.
Stepsiblings
usually don't choose relationships with each other, and may or may not
become good friends. If they don't, no one is
stepsibs are more apt to have
sexual and/or romantic
feelings for each other than biosib-lings, specially
step-teens; and...
stepsiblings may or may not feel
comfortable having different last names;
and co-parents need to know that...
typical stepsiblings are likely to
provoke - and need help coping with - family
and relationship
and...
they will each have unique abilities
to
and
their own
styles (public, private, emotional,
reserved...), paces (slow to fast), and
support-needs;
it's
normal for
new stepsiblings to feel acutely sensitive to, and test repeatedly to
see, who each of their co-parents "likes best," specially if the
child/ren are from
childhoods.
Testing often manifests as...
-
persistent "fighting" or whining,
-
acting
unusually possessive of a bioparent's time and attention, and/or...
-
accusing
one or more co-parents or siblings of "being unfair."
With insecure
children,
verbal reassurances of parental love and status are less impactful than
parents' demonstrating those over time; and...
each stepsibling will react
differently to (a) visitations with their
"other bioparent," (b) establishing new household and stepfamily
and
to (c) co-parents' discussing or conceiving an
"ours" child or stepchild
adoption.
top
Q2)
What do typical stepsiblings
need most from their co-parents and relatives?
Though each stepfamily and child is unique,
typical stepsiblings have common
special needs of their co-parents and relatives like...
a clear understanding of...
-
their group
as a
stepfamily,
-
who
(is included), and...
-
what their
step-identity
to them and their
other family members; and stepsibs need...
the sense that their co-parents aren't
anxious or guilty about, or ashamed to be in, a
and
they need...
genuine reassurance that they don't have to
love each
other or be friends, like "normal (biological) brothers and sisters";
and that it's wonderful if they do feel those, over time.
And typical stepsibs need...
affectionate acceptance that
they will need to test their stepfamily members
to re/gain...
-
personal security ("My
parent/s or biosibling/s won't abandon me," and "This family
won't split up like my others have"), and...
-
clarity about their
[step(grand)son /
(grand)daughter,
stepbrother / sister, step-niece / nephew, stepcousin, half-sister / brother] and
family rank (status) - e.g. who is the smartest / prettiest / most
creative / most fun / strongest, / most thoughtful / kindest / most musical (etc.) child in our home and whole family;
empathy (vs. criticism) if stepsiblings
don't like each other, and/or don't
want to share their home, bioparent, and belongings (like a pet) with
"some other kid/s"; and youngsters need patient help with grieving and accepting those
forced
and changes;
and...
help (a) understanding, (b) validating, and
(c) resolving
and
conflicts and
relationship
and typical stepsibs
need adult...
help in identifying, expressing, and
reducing
excessive
over resenting, distrusting, disliking, or feeling indifferent
to or jealous of, a stepsister or stepbrother; and they also need ...
help with
and respectfully
and
enforcing personal
boundaries
with new
stepsisters or brothers. Part of such help is seeing how their
co-parents set and enforce personal
And typical stepsiblings need...
to feel included
(respected) in co-parents' decisions about
re/wedding, child conception, choice of
dwelling, legal
adoption, developing new family
and geographic
moves; and...
the other things that individual
stepkids need from
their co-parents and relatives.
How many of these typical stepsibling needs could you describe before
reading this? How many of these can each of your co-parents and key relatives
name? How likely is it that average minor kids can name these needs? Average
family-support professionals? Recall this Web site's premise that
one of five common
stepfamily
is
unawareness.
top
Q3)
How can co-parents best help stepsiblings
accept and bond with each other?
Family adults and supporters have many ways to help stepsiblings get to
know (vs. love) each other over time. Discuss and choose
among options like these, starting in courtship:
co-parents help each other
your
and harmonize your other
- i.e. help each other progress on
ideally starting before
cohabiting; and...
work patiently together on
for
many months
before
deciding whether to re/wed. Choosing the right
to re/marry, for
the right
at the right
gives your minor and adult kids the best
foundation for forming stable relationships with each other, over time; and...
choose realistic attitudes
and expectations about the kids' (potential) relationships when adult dating turns
serious - i.e. co-parents agree without judgment or guilt that their
respective kids may or may not want (a) their parents to date, re/marry,
and co-habit, or (b) to make friends with their step-sibs, short or long term; and...
learn the amazing array of typical stepkids'
developmental and family-adjustment needs
during courtship,
and use your knowledge together to help each child fill his or her needs as
all your stepfamily relationships evolve; and...
include all residential and visiting kids during
(some) normal and special courtship activities, including routine dinners,
trips, and just "hanging out;" and...
accept your stepfamily
during courtship, and learn and
apply what that
to all related adults
and kids. Then explain the identity
and meaning to each child in age-appropriate language. This includes...
-
clarifying the difference between
biological siblings' and step-siblings'
and...
-
emphasizing
that step-sibs don't have to love (or even like) each other, but they
may, over time.
The child-services department of your local library, and searching Web
booksellers' sites
can help you find books for and about stepsiblings and new stepfamilies.
Enjoy reading these to younger kids, relating them to your situation, and
responding to your kids' reactions; and co-parents can...
learn good-grief basics together during
courtship, and then
each
child for their status in mourning major prior
from parental divorce or
death and other things. Then accept that...
-
incomplete mourning will hinder or
block kids (and adults) from developing healthy relationships with each
other, and that...
-
normal
can be encouraged, but not
forced. An overarching target for all co-parents is
to intentionally define a family-wide
and describe and demonstrate it to all stepfamily members.
A fun option for everyone
during courtship and after re/wedding is for co-parents to
make group
times to play the
Ungame or
LifeStories.
These are non-competitive family board games designed to help people of all
ages learn about each other in safe, fun ways. Include relatives, if you do
this!
And co-parents can help step-siblings bond and accept each other over time by...
thoughtfully including each
child in any re/wedding service to help
them appreciate they're co-equally-valuable members of the new stepfamily
that's forming or expanding; and by...
helping each other maintain
a long-term outlook, and accepting that it takes average
four or more years
after re/wedding to
adjust, and stabilize
family
and
Help the kids understand and accept
this; and also by...
accepting that typical
new stepsiblings need to test and retest their adults' priorities and responses until...
-
everyone's stepfamily
are clear enough,
-
their family
rules and routines have stabilized, and...
-
they feel
secure enough after all re/wedding, moving, and co-habiting
changes stabilize;
and co-parents can help stepsiblings
relate by...
helping each other learn
the
communication
teaching and
demonstrating them
to each child over time, and using
the skills to...
-
to identify the unmet
("problems") between
conflicted kids, and...
-
identify who's
responsible for filling
these needs, short and long term.
Also use these
vital skills to help each child learn
how to identify and respectfully
(vs.
hope, hint, whine, manipulate, or demand), what they really need from other
family kids and adults; and by...
learning what
and
conflicts and
relationship
are, evolving a stable
strategy to avoid or spot and resolve them
together, and then teaching your kids how to do this.
Normal new-stepchild testing will create a daunting
mosaic of these stressors for years, as
the kids grieve, clarify, and negotiate their place in their alien new
Restated: choose to
patiently encourage all step-relationships to form at their own pace, rather than trying to force them
to be something they're not - and may never be. Typical
co-parents trying to co-create the
biofamily they never had and
want for their kids will resist this.
And co-parents can encourage
their respective kids to accept and respect each other by...
minimizing step-sibling
(and bio-sibling) jealousy and
rivalry (normal symptoms of significant
and
by helping each child see their unique strengths, talents, and contributions
to the home and stepfamily ("Jerry, we're so lucky to have you among us.
Your cheerfulness and sense of humor help us all!")
This is part of
the larger co-parenting goal of teaching all kids the value of balancing
individuality, and
Note that many of these options
exist well before deciding to exchange commitment vows. Can you think of other
long-term options to promote healthy acceptance and bonding among minor and
grown stepsiblings? Did you realize how many choices there are to do this,
over time?
top
Q&A
about stepsiblings and half-siblings concludes on
p. 2...
