Lesson 4 of 8  - choose and grow nourishing relationships
	Healthy-relationship Factors Do You Have Enough of Them? By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/requisites.htm

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        This is one of a series of articles on Lesson 4 - choose and evolve nourishing relationships. These articles build on Lessons 1 - 3, and prepare you for Lesson 5 (evolve and enjoy a nourishing fam-ily) and Lesson 6 (learn to practice effective parenting).

        From on 50 adult years on Earth and 30 years' experience as a family-systems therapist, I propose necessary ingredients for mutually-satisfying relationships. Use it as a checklist to assess the quality of key relationships in your life - including with a Supreme Being, and among the dynamic subselves that make up your personality.

        This article assumes you're familiar with...
 

the intro this nonprofit Web site and the to basic premises underlying it Self-study Lessons 1-4 these Q&A items on relationships; and... common barriers to satisfying interpersonal relationships.

Relationships 101

        We humans are social critters. Well-nurtured adults and kids instinctively form minor to primary bonds - emotional attachments - with other living things, starting with early caregivers. Relationships form spontaneously between people to fill each person's array of primary needs.  

        Your relationships are governed by your and your partner's personalities, needs, and circumstan-ces. They range between...

• chosen to required - e.g. relationships with neighbors and coworkers;

• nurturing need-filling and growth-promoting) to toxic (wounding);

• symmetrical (balanced) to unsymmetrical;

• genuine to pseudo;

• independent to interdependent to dependent to codependent (addictive);

• primary to secondary to superficial;

• intimate to platonic to impersonal;

• temporary to long-term; and..

• proactive (intentional, conscious) to reactive (passive, unconscious).

        All relationships have common and unique requisites, depending on the mix of these factors. If you become aware of the factors that shape the quality of your key relationships (below), you can (a) choose more compatible people, and (b) identify and negotiate missing relationship ingredients with receptive partners. You can also (c) teach your kids this priceless knowledge!

Premises

        See how you feel about these proposals:

        Each partner can control or acquire some relationship-requisites (below) and not others. All four sets of factors must be present "often enough," as judged by each partner for an enduring, mutually-satisfying relationship.

        A core requisite for any healthy relationship is that each person's personality is often led by their resident true Self. Most personal and social "problems" strongly suggest that the people involved are dominated by false selves, and don't know that or how to reduce it. The Lesson-1 Web pages and related guidebook Who's Really Run-ning Your Life? offer perspective, answers, options, and resources.

        Most core relationship ingredients (below) come from a high-nurturance child-hood. Once aware of them, adults guided by their true Selves can cultivate these fac-tors in their homes and family.

        Courtship neediness, idealisms, and excitement are apt to distort your clear, subjective assessment of these relationship ingredients with a prospective partner and their family. Over half of typical marrying Americans eventually decide that they committed to the wrong people, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time.

        The presence or absence of the factors below form a rough indicator of the potential wholistic health of your relationship with each child and adult in your life. They also provide a way of identifying specific factors that could improve your relationships over time.

        Once aware, motivated, Self-led, and self-responsible, your family members can help each other identify and develop missing or weak relationship ingredients. How open is each adult and child in your family to doing that now? 

  Ingredients of a High-nurturance Relationship

       Read this diagram from the bottom up. Check each item you feel you and/or a relationship partner have enough of or are intentionally working toward. This is about what is, not about anyone being good or bad, or right or wrong! Option - think of an important relationship with an adult or child in your life, and see how any of these ingredients you two people have or had. Self-study Lessons 1 thru 4 here offer more perspective and ideas on how to achieve mutually-satisfying relationships with yourself, other people, and a Higher Power. 

        Note your reaction to seeing all these ingredients at once. Does this raise your appreciation for how rare mutually-fulfilling relationships are?

        Reality Check: Reflect on your most satisfying, nourishing relationships. Were most or all of these four sets of ingredients consistently present? Now think of past or present relationships that cause you and/or someone significant stress. How many of these ingredients were missing "too much, too often" in your opinion?

• Note which of these factors you can control, and which you can't.

• How does this four-factor concept compare with how you've always thought of a "healthy rela-tionship"?

• Keep your version of this concept in mind as your family members tackle any relationship prob-lems in your daily family and social life.

  Notes / Thoughts

 

 

 

 

  Some things I need to do now are...

 

 

        For more perspective...

• See how these ideas about analyzing and resolving relationship problems compare to your beliefs.

• Consider these suggestions for...

  • improving communication outcomes with typical adults and kids, and...

  • improving most relationships.

• review this menu of common relationship problems and solutions

Recap

        This Lesson-4 article proposes some key premises about a high-nurturance (need-fulfilling) relation-ship between any two people. It builds on these premises to propose four sets of requisites that each and both partners can seek to acquire and help each other maintain over time.

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else?

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Updated  September 04, 2010