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A boundary or limit is the dividing line between what you will and won't do or tolerate from others without reacting ("If you have another drink, I'm ta-king a cab home."). Interpersonal boundaries help define your personal iden-tity, integrity, relationships, and security. Boundaries range between (a) inner-personal (limits with your subselves) to interpersonal, (b) vague to clear, (c) local to universal, (d) unconscious to intentional, (e) compatible to conflictual, (f) nurturing to toxic, (g) imposed to negotiated, and (h) flexible to rigid. Respectful, guilt-free assertion is the language of healthy boundary-setting, vs. hinting, implying, pleading, whining, demanding, aggression, or threaten-ing. Boundaries can apply to one person, committed mates, friends, adults and kids, families, co-workers, citizens, and nations. They can mesh or con-flict. Our legal system seeks to provide and enforce civil boundaries. Depending on whether their true Self leads their other subselves or not, adults and kids ignore or communicate their boundaries timidly ("I'm 1-down") to firmly and clearly (we're equals in dignity here) to harshly ("I'm 1-up"). Tools needed for setting effective, respectful boundaries include an empowered true Self + personal awareness of feelings and primary needs + genuine self and mutual respect + a two-person awareness "bubble" (empathy) + a thoughtful Bill of Personal rights + fluency with seven communication skills. The most useful boundary-setting words are versions of "No" and "Yes." Adult-child boundaries are the domain of child discipline. more detail / effective assertion / "I"-messages / confrontations / close |
