About Enabling

      Since the 1980s, enabling has gained a new meaning - well-meant overpro-tection of a wounded person which promotes unhealthy denials of (a) major inner pain, (b) unhealthy strategies to avoid the pain (like addictions), (c) the toxic ef-fects of these strategies on their family, and (d) avoiding personal responsibility for healing. The classic example is a wife calling her hung-over mate's boss to make an excuse for him not coming in to work. Another example is an overpro-tective parent who is scared to let their child take safe, growthful risks.

        Enabling implies taking responsibility for a person who fears doing so for (distrusts) themselves. Though well-intentioned short-term, enabling prevents the person from developing self-sufficiency and self-confidence long term. Doing this compulsively can be called rescuing, which is often a symptom of codependence (relationship addiction). 

        Typical troubled adults are survivors of low-nurturance childhoods who are unaware of being controlled by well-meaning false selves. Their ruling subselves often enable other wounded adults or kids, for various payoffs. Their false selves may also choose a "helpless" Victim role and unconsciously invite others to en-able them. Three of many symptoms are (a) compulsively avoiding self-responsi-bility, (b) hindering it in others, and (c) denying or justifying these choices. As-serting respectful limits, "Tough Love," and "interventions" are empowering alter-natives to enabling.

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