Lesson 1 of 8  - free your true Self and reduce false-self wounds
Perspective on Parental and Self Neglect Were you neglected a child? By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/gwc/neglect.htm

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        Premise - millions of typical girls and boys become seriously-troubled adults because they didn't get key developmental needs met by their caregivers - they were neglected. Often, their parents and ancestors were neglected too, and their society allowed that. 

        This article proposes...

• Perspective on parental neglect

• Why some parents neglect their kids

• Typical effects of significant neglect

• Perspective on self neglect; and

• Action options.

        This article assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this Web site and the premises underlying it Self-study Lessons 1 thru 5 normal child-development needs and stages traits of high-nurturance families, and... this research summary on neglect

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this? What do you need?

Perspective

        We humans are needy critters. Needs are physical, emotional, and spiritual discomforts. Nurtur-ing means "filling someone's needs." Here, neglect means "not filling needs that you're responsible for." Our needs change constantly as we age and the world evolves.

        Families exist because they usually fill their members' (and society's) primary needs more effec-tively than other human groups. Some "high-nurturance" families do this more effectively than others.   

        My experience as a family-systems therapist since 1981 with over 1000 average Midwestern Amer-ican women and men suggests that ignorance about "parental neglect" is common. That's partly be-cause many parents weren't taught what their children need as they grow toward adulthood. This is one vital component of the unacknowledged [wounds and unaware-ness] cycle that is silently crippling most  U.S. families and our society.

        Test this premise by taking this quiz about families with an open mind. Then see how many traits of a high-nurturance family you can describe. Then ask yourself how many families you know who con-sistently supply most of these traits to their members - starting with your own family.

        Healthy parents genuinely want and love their kids, and strive to prepare them for a safe, happy, productive adulthood. Parents who survived serious neglect themselves as young children are often un-able to supply some of what their kids need.

        Premise - people who were significantly neglected as young kids grow up neglecting themselves as adults. To avoid painful awareness, they often rationalize, joke, deny, or minimize that they do this - de-spite glaring evidence of the toxic results, like widespread obesity, major illnesses, addictions, and divor-ces. Many self-neglectful people are shame-based, and unconsciously feel they don't deserve to fill their own wholistic needs well. Do you know anyone like this?

Neglect 101

        Reflect, and say your definition of "parental neglect" out loud. Then picture yourself before the age of six, and/or any other children you care about at that age. Keep those images with you as you read.

Now read these brief research summaries on American neglect trends, and how childhood abuse and neglect change young brains and promote later suicide.

        See how you feel about these premises:

• Starting before birth, children depend on their birth mother and other caregiving adults to fill

• daily survival needs - nutritious food, water, shelter, stimulation, touching, protec-tion; and to fill...

• their dynamic emotional + spiritual + socializing (developmental) needs. Most of these needs can be filled by caregivers and teachers providing high-nurturance traits like these.

• Typical young children need a balance of masculine and feminine nurturance for healthy devel-opment. The U.S. divorce epidemic makes this a challenge for many families;

• Parents who conceive children and/or care for other people’s children are morally, legally, and socially responsible for...

  • learning the youngsters’ range of primary needs at each stage of their growth, and...

  • doing their best to fill these needs (nurture) adequately, without neglecting their own needs..

        Healthy parents want to do this, vs. feeling obligated to from guilt, shame, and/or anxiety. For per-sonal and/or environmental reasons, parents range from competent to inadequate in their ability to nur-ture a child over two decades to prepare them to live independently and nurture kids effectively them-selves. So parental neglect may not be apparent until 25 or more years after a child's birth.

        Premise - parents who consistently want to provide a high-nurturance environment for dependent kids and themselves raise Grown Nurtured Children (GNCs). Two key traits of GNCs is that they (a) develop harmonious personality led by a competent true Self, and they clearly have filled their develop-mental needs by the time they choose to live independently.

Why Do Some Parents Neglect their Children?

        Try answering this question out loud. Then compare your idea to this opinion: parents fail to fill their kids' physical, psychological, and spiritual needs for four interactive reasons:

• Wounds - parents inherited significant psychological wounds from their unaware ancestors, and they need to deny or ignore that and what it means. Common results: (a) they unconsciously choose wounded partners who also may be unable to nurture kids effectively, and (b) have un-planned and unwanted conceptions; and...

• Unawareness and ignorance - parents' ancestors and teachers didn't educate them adequately about (a) kids' developmental needs and (b) how to best fill these needs while steadily nurturing themselves and each other; and...

• Social denial, ignorance, and permission. Our (wounded, unaware) culture tacitly promotes the pervasive [wounds + unawareness] cycle spreading down the generations by denying the cy-cle and its toxic results. So far, there is no public demand for licensing or regulating parents.

        Paradox: our society tests for competency to operate a vehicle and to provide profes-sional legal, medical, pastoral, and financial services. It requires no proof that parents are qualified to raise healthy new citizens. Our wide range of costly social ills is one expensive result; including...

• Poverty. Parents struggling for daily survival often have too few resources to nurture their children adequately.

Pause and reflect. Can you think of other reasons parents can't fill their kids' developmental and special needs well enough? If you know parents in a low-nurturance family, do any of these proposed reasons fit them?

Typical Effects of Childhood Neglect

        A thoro description is beyond the scope of this summary article. In the context of this nonprofit Web site, significant early-childhood neglect promotes...

• typical children developing up to six psychological "wounds:"

a fragmented personality difficulty trusting appropriately

excessive shame and guilts significant reality distortions

excessive fears difficulty bonding

This has far-reaching toxic effects on them and society until they hit true bottom, and choose to admit and reduce their wounds - usually in middle age.

• the wounds of reality distortion and excessive shame often promote significant self neglect - which in turn promotes poor health, stressful relationships, and premature death. These promote significant stress in family members and supporters.

• combined with adult and social unawareness and denials, these wounds are apt to pass on to the next generation, spreading their toxic effects in society.

Do these effects seem credible to you? Can you think of any other common effects of parental ignorance and child neglect?

   What is Self Neglect?

        It is continuing childhood habits of not caring about one's own physical, emotional, and spiritual (wholistic) health. Epidemic examples are eating unhealthy foods, avoiding exercise and regular health checkups, working too hard, ignoring bodily warnings, and not getting enough quality sleep - and justify-ing or minimizing these.

        Self neglect may be amplified by self dislike, self disgust, or self hatred. All of these are clear evi-dence of a dedicated false self. They stem from excessive shame and guilt learned very early - fostering a certainty that "I'm worthless and unlovable, and don't deserve to be happy or healthy.")

        Typical personality subselves contributing to self neglect are the Shamed, Guilty, and Scared Inner kids; and the Pessimist, Perfectionist, Procrastinator, Worrier, Magician and Inner Critic. Collectively, they form a "false self." One result of true (vs. pseudo) wound-reduction is that these subselves learn to trust the resident Nurturer and true Self, and start to value the host person's health and welfare.

        Do you know people who are neglecting their health and wellbeing? Are you? Keep your perspec-tive: social denials and tolerance for the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle are the primary problem. Self neglect is a symptom and secondary problem. Do you agree?

Options

        Common reactions to parental and self neglect are...

• denial ("Neglectful? No Way!"),

• minimizing ("It's not so bad"),

• reasoning ["You should take better care of (someone), because..."],

• threatening ("If you don't stop belittling our son, I'm going to..."),

• scorning ("When are you going to grow up?"), and/or...

• criticizing ("You're a poor excuse for a parent.")

• generalizing  ("You know, people who don't take very good care of _____ often _______.")

These classic false-self reactions will never produce better nurturance because they don't validate and reduce the underlying wounds and ignorance. They usually amplify anxiety, guilt, shame, and frustration.

        Better options include...

• Read Lesson 1 concepts here, and assess yourself honestly for significant false-self wounds;

• Adopt a multi-decade outlook, and commit to personal wound-reduction (recovery) as appropriate;

• Evaluate the nurturance level of your birth family an/or your present family (low to high). If it's low, consider confronting and educating the appropriate adults about inner wounds.

• See adults neglecting their minor kids as wounded and unaware, not bad; and respectfully en-courage them to read and apply these Lessons for their and their kids' sakes; and...

• if you suspect or observe child abuse and/or significant neglect, alert the responsible adults that unless they correct these, you'll report them to local child-welfare officials and/or the police. Then follow up on this, for the sake of your integrity and their vulnerable children.

Recap

        Neglect is willfully ignoring the moral or legal responsibility to help a dependent child or disabled adult fill their primary needs. When the adult bears your name, you're self neglectful.

        This article offers perspective on personal and parental neglect and what causes them - significant psychological wounds and unawareness. It also suggests common personal and social results of signif-icant childhood neglect, and options for responding to or reducing neglect in yourself or child care-givers. 

For more perspective, read this overview of abuse. Child neglect can be viewed as abusive.

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        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or 'someone else'?

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Updated  May 22, 2010