Lesson 1 of 8  - free your true Self and reduce false-self wounds
	Comparison: Typical Behavioral Traits of True and False Selves Signs of who controls someone's life By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/gwc/compare.htm

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        This is one of a  series of articles on Lesson 1 in this Web site - free your true Self to guide you in calm and conflictual times, and reduce significant false-self wounds. The article provides a quick way to estimate whether a person is controlled by their true Self or ''someone else.''  

        This article assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this site and the premises underlying it self-study Lesson 1 these common questions about subselves; the silent [wounds + unawareness] cycle that may harm your family and descendents - slides or text; and... this research summary about kids from "risky" (low-nurturance) families

Background

        Many philosophers and everyday people propose that we each have a self. There has been rich and raucous debate across centuries and cultures about what that is. After 16 years' study I propose there are two types of self which regulate your personality and behaviors every day.

        If our early-childhood nurturing is wholistically-healthy enough, we seem to automatically develop a  personality subself which acts like a naturally-talented orchestra leader, athletic coach, or chairperson. This subself has clear, realistic wide-angle, long-range vision. S/He consistently makes healthy, balanced minor and major decisions based on the dynamic input of our five or six senses and vocal other subselves.

In this best case, our evolving brain and body is directed and coordinated each moment by this highly-skilled true Self (capital "S"). When that happens, kids and adults report feeling a mix of grounded, calm, purposeful, focused, optimistic, strong, "up," content, alert, aware, alive, resilient, centered, resilient, secure, potent, and compassionate. Remember the last time you felt a blend of these?

Enter the Protective "False" (Pseudo) Self

        But... if very young kids experience significant lack of wholistic nurturance, their personalities (brains) seem to develop a different kind of self (small "s"). Their true Self seems overwhelmed or blocked from developing and directing their actions by other well-meaning but limited, impulsive Inner Kids and Guardian personality subselves who want to "run the show."

        False-self formation and dominance is normal, widespread, and promotes survival vs. growth. It's like a distrustful, disgruntled violinist, tuba player, and lead tenor pushing their talented conductor off the podium and fighting over who will lead the orchestra. False-self dominance promotes up to five psycho-logical 'wounds.'

        We kids and adults range between "a little wounded" or "very wounded," depending on (a) our social environment and situation, (b) how many subselves are vying to control us, and (c) how often they disable our true Self.

        These squabbling subselves become our false or pseudo self. People who are used to being con-trolled by a false self experience that as normal. The idea that there is another subself in them that - if al-lowed to - can consistently make wiser, healthier life decisions is unbelievable. Do you relate?

Note: A common first-reaction to "personality subselves" is anxiety about being crazy or having a "multiple personality." Since about 1980, psychiatrists and sociologists have guesstimated that about 5% of  Americans seems to have extreme personality fragmenting. That was called Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), and is now dubbed "Dissociative Identity Disorder" (DID) by psychiatrists. The common clinical term for "personality splitting" (false-self formation and dominance) is dissociation. 

Research repeatedly suggests that such massively fragmented people survived extreme abuse and psycho-spiritual neglect as young children. The great majority of us, probably including you, do not have anywhere close to this DID degree of personality fragmenting - but we do have some.

       In this site, a Grown Wounded Child (GWC) is an adult who's personality is "significantly" ruled by a false self, according to someone. Before wound-reduction, we're usually unaware of false-self dominance and its impacts - though we're adept at spotting false-self symptoms in other people! 

        The bad news: Being significantly controlled by a false self has powerful person-al, marital, parental, and social implications. In my experience, the high majority of troubled, divorcing, and re/married Americans (and others?) are GWCs in major denial.

        The good news: Once identified, false-self dominance and wounds can be sig-nificantly reduced over time (and true Selves empowered) via self-motivated personal recovery.

        Self-study Lesson 1 in this site is devoted to assessing for and reducing, signif-icant false-self dominance. See this unique Lesson 1 guidebook .

Trait Comparison

        Here's a way to sense who's leading someone's personality (like yours) situationally or chronically. For more detail on behavioral symptoms on each of the six common false-self wounds, follow these links. Option - use this as a worksheet to profile yourself or someone else

Common True Self Behavioral Traits

Common False-self Behavioral Traits

__ Alert, awake, aware __ Generally "up" and "light," (mood) __ Usually realistically optimistic __ Focused, clear, and centered __ Compassionate, kind, forgiving __ Firm, strong, confidant, purposeful __ Calm, serene, peaceful __ Usually has a wide-angle, long-range  focus - accepts delayed gratification __ Balances long and short-term payoffs __ Usually patient, persistent, committed __ Appreciative, grateful, "glass half-full" __ Empathic, sensitive, genuinely respectful __ Spiritually open, aware, "connected,"  receptive, growing __ Consistently self-nurturing without egotism __ Genuine, honest, open, direct __ Respectfully assertive __ Socially engaged and active __ Physically healthy: balanced diet, exercise, work and rest; gets preventive checkups __ Spontaneously expressive of all emotions real-time, without major anxiety or guilt __ Able to form genuine bonds with others __ Able to judge who to dis/trust with what __ Realistically self-responsible __ Usually realistic about life and situations __ Spontaneously able to exchange love __ Comfortable receiving merited praise __ Often able to forgive self and others __ Frequently maintains a two-person "awareness bubble" __ Seldom gives double messages __ Able to grieve losses spontaneously __ Seeks Self-guided people and high-nurturance settings __ Evolving and living a clear life purpose __ Work, play, and rest are generally balanced

__ Fuzzy, distracted, confused, numb __ Often "heavy," "down," gloomy, manic __ Usually pessimistic or idealistic __ Confused, vague, unfocused __ Blaming, critical, bigoted __ Indecisive, worried, cautious, doubtful __ "Upset," scared, angry, guilty, ashamed __ Usually has a narrow, short-term focus __ Usually seeks immediate gratification __ Often impatient, impulsive, uncommitted __ Bitter, jealous, resentful, "half empty" __ Selfish, arrogant, disrespectful __ Spiritually unaware, skeptical, closed, scornful, or uninterested __ Consistently self-neglectful __ Dishonest, indirect, sly, controlling __ Timid and apologetic, or aggressive __ Isolated or compulsively social __ Physically unhealthy; relies on prescribed or self-medication  __ Anxious, guilty, or blocked about feeling and/or expressing some or all emotions __ Difficulty forming true (vs. pseudo) bonds __ Difficulty discerning who to trust with what __ Notably over- or under-responsible __ Frequent distortions and denials __ Difficulty giving and/or receiving real love __ Uncomfortable receiving merited praise __ Difficulty forgiving self and/or others __ Often focuses only on her/himself or a con-versational partner - 1-person "bubble" __ Often gives double messages __ Difficulty grieving on one to three levels __ Unconsciously prefers wounded people and low-nurturance settings __ Unclear on or indifferent to a life purpose __ Work, play, and rest are often unbalanced

        Pause, breathe, and notice your thoughts and feelings. Which column of traits do you identify with? Do you see each of your parents here? Your grandparents? Your partner? A child? A former lover? A hero/ ine or mentor?        

        If you're skeptical about personality subselves, try reading this letter to you. and experiencing this safe, interesting exercise. Option: assess whether you and/or another adult or child are significantly ruled by a false self. For options on preventing  false-self wounds in your family, community, church, state, or nation, see Lesson 8.

For more perspective, read this research summary on "bad habits."

 Recap

This Lesson-1 article and nonprofit Web site propose that normal personalities (like yours) are composed of talented "subselves," and are control-led by a wise true Self (capital S) or a "false self." Observable behaviors suggest which of these is true, situationally and over time.         From 18 years' clinical research and observa-tion, the article provides brief background on this premise, and describes common behavioral traits of a typical true Self and false self.         People often controlled by a false self are usually survivors of major childhood trauma who don't (want to) know about their resulting psycho-logical wounds and what they usually mean.  Assessing whether ano-ther person is currently or regularly controlled by a false self can empower you to choose whether to main-tain a relationship with them, and the best way to relate to them.

View poll results

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else? Would you answer the poll at the top of the article the same way now?

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