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This is one of a
series
of articles on Lesson 1 of 8 in
this Web site - (a) free your
to guide you in calm and conflictual times, and (b)
significant false-self
This article is
for anyone fearing abandonment (rejection and aloneness), or caring about someone
burdened with that fear. It provides...
-
a definition of
"abandonment" in a family context;
-
perspective on common causes and
effects of adult and
child abandonment; and...
-
options for reducing significant fear of
abandonment, which cripples many relationships.
If you know someone who fears abandonment
excessively, keep them in mind as you read
this. If you're not sure, review these
symptoms, and come back here.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
Perspective
When you think of the words "abandon" and "abandonment" in a
family context, what comes to mind? How would you define
"abandonment" to an average 10-year-old? Have you ever felt
abandoned?
Have you abandoned someone? What would you say is the opposite of
abandonment? Can you describe (a) why some people abandon
others, and (b) how abandonment affects typical kids, adults, and
fami-lies?
This article explores
these questions to build a foundation for reducing significant fear of
abandon-ment. This common fear hinders wholistic health
and burdens relationships and families,
What is "Abandonment"?
For our purposes, abandonment is a relationship dynamic that
occurs when an adult or child vol-untarily...
-
denies or ignores key responsibilities (a role) that someone
- or society - expects them to fulfill, like parental or marital obligations,
and/or they...
-
choose to end an existing relationship with someone else
despite their partner/s not wanting that. This is specially traumatic
when the abandoned one depends on the other person for something
important, like a child or disabled adult does.
Abandonment can be psychological (indifference, apathy, "coldness," lack
of intimacy); and/ or physical. Psychological divorce occurs when one or
both cohabiting mates abandon the other and their marital vows, roles,
responsibilities, and relationship
primacy.
Discussion of abandonment usually focuses on an adult leaving or
quitting. Family members can be equally affected if a child or
grandchild "runs away from (abandons) home."
Other types of
abandonment
occur when a person voluntarily gives up a dream, a cause, a belief,
membership in a group, hope, the will to live, a lifestyle, and/or physical possessions. When
circumstan-ces force giving any of these up, that's an involuntary
loss, not an abandonment. Do you agree?
Some traumatic relationship and role "abandonments" are not
intentional. They
occur when the per-son is severely
and
unable to form appropriate bonds and maintain relationships like
parent-child, mate-mate, and friend-friend. A common sign of this is
thinking or saying "You were never there for me."
|
This distinction is important because of traditional moral
and legal condemnation of parental or spousal abandonment.
Wounded parents who
abandon (aren't "emotionally available" for) their kids
psychologically can't help it. They can
control whether or nor to conceive or adopt a child or to
vow commitment to a primary partner -
if their
consistently guides their
|
What Causes Abandonment?
Opinion - an adult or child abandoning a family is usually caused by effects from
the inherited an-cestral [wounds + unawareness]
Quitting an assigned or chosen role (like parent, grandparent, husband, wife,
partner, sibling, son, or daughter) and/or a
relationship can occur because...
-
the role (responsibility) or relationship was
unwanted, and/or was accepted without understanding what it
required; or...
-
the person feels chronically
overwhelmed by
responsibilities and/or
stress (discomforts) in a rela-tionship, role, or
group (like a home or family); and/or...
-
s/he feels incompetent, guilty, and
ashamed of "failing" a dependent person and/or obligation; and
s/he...
-
(a) doesn't see how to correct
these stressors, and loses hope of improvement; or (b) s/he doesn't
want to correct them.
Each of these reasons is promoted by the person being
wounded and unaware + making unwise role and relationship choices + lacking
and
problem-solving ("coping") skills. How does this compare with your belief about people
who abandon their dependents, parents, and/or obligations?
How Can Abandonment Affect
Kids and Adults?
Abandonment impacts occur when...
-
parents divorce, and the absent
parent chooses little or no contact with their kids or ex,
-
a young child's parent or caregiver dies or becomes mentally
disabled,
-
young or overwhelmed parents give up a child for
adoption,
-
bioparents turn over the care of their
young child to an older sibling, relative, nanny, day-care adult, sitter, or au pair.
And abandonment impacts occur when...
-
a young child is hospitalized for some time
and deprived of regular contact with her/his mother or parents; and...
-
a parent chooses a job that requires her or him
to be away from home for weeks or months at a time, like foreign
military service.
Impacts on the Family
System
To fully appreciate the causes and multi-level impacts of
adult or child abandonment, view the affec-ted multi-generational
("extended") family as a
dynamic system.
Psychological or physical abandonment changes a family system's
roles, roles, rituals, and traditions, subsystems, and social interactions in complex ways.
These concurrent changes cause temporary or long-term anxieties
until family members adapt to them and stabilize. They may lower the
family's nurturance level, and usually cause most or all well-bond-ed
family members significant losses which need to be effectively
mourned over time (Lesson 3).
Impacts on Children
The childhood and long-term effects of excessive parental absence can
range from moderate to severe, depending on a child's age, gender,
their bond with the absent adult (weak > strong), and their
extended family's nurturance-level (low > high).
Common
experience suggests that when young children are
physically abandoned by a
parent or caregiver - or if a primary caregiver is "emotionally unavailable"
(can't bond) - the kids are "badly hurt." Their hurt is a mix of...
shock, if the abandonment was
unexpected and explosive; and...
confusion - many mental questions
and uncertainties about the abandonment and what it means; and...
shame
("low self esteem") - feeling unlovable and unworthy, even if
other adults are genu-inely nurturing and attentive; and perhaps...
guilts - feeling (irrationally) that they did something bad or wrong
that caused the abandon-ment; and/or...
fears
of
(a) bonding with
some or all adults / men /
women; and that (b) their other care-givers will also abandon
them, and they will die; and...
grief
over (a) involuntarily broken bonds, and later, (b) over lost hopes
and fantasies of reunion. If a child is raised in an
family, s/he can unconsciously carry unfinished mourning into
adulthood as periodic or chronic
"depression."
|
Combined, these
stressors can cause mixes of significant distrust, resentment,
and anger that can carry into adulthood. When combined with
significant caregiver
and/or
neglect, these stressors
may inhibit the child's
ability to bond ("Reactive
Attachment Disorder," or RAD). |
Another impact that may not become evident until adulthood is the effect
of parental absence on a young child's sense of gender
identity. Typical young girls need a father-figure's affirmation and appreci-ation
of their femininity. They also need consistent maternal modeling "how to
be female" and delight in the daughter as a special, beloved girl.
Boys need to observe how a father behaves, and to learn how to manage
and appreciate their masculinity - specially how to relate to females
and other males.
If these hurts are intense enough, an abandoned child can develop
emotional numbness
and/or se-lective "amnesia" (repression) to protect themselves from recalling
and re-experiencing their abandonment trauma and losses. One or
more of their
may be
living in the past, and still fear the searing pain of
re-abandonment.
These effects are often magnified because parental
and spousal abandonment usually signals (a) a
low-nurturance ("dysfunctional") home and childhood, and (b)
and
care-givers and ancestors.
Minor kids can be also be
stressed by other family members' reactions to the abandonment.
If some or most family members scorn and vilify the wo/man or child who left,
biokids are forced to choose between loyalty to their absent parent or
sibling,
and other relatives. Older, less-wounded kids may
be able to detach and not align with either side without excessive
guilt or anxiety.
Impact on Inner Kids
Parental abandonment pain can nourish the development of psychologically-powerful inner children, like
Each
upset Child evokes one or more devoted
which ceaselessly try to soothe and protect them in various situations.
Collectively, these normal subselves can disable the resident
true Self and detract from the
development, self confidence,
and
wholistic health of the child.
Some previously-abandoned teens can seek love, acceptance, and security through
promiscuity or frantic trial primary relationships. Others can seek it
through gang and/or athletic membership, drama, and/or fantasizing of
reunions.
Choices like these can mute but not heal the root causes of original
abandonment pain. Unless kids' caregivers are...
-
aware of abandonment
dynamics and impacts,
-
proactively
reducing their own
false-self wounds, and...
-
grieving their own
losses effectively,
then...
abandonment impacts on their kids add to the
stress
the adults must manage.
Self-motivated wound-healing often begins in midlife if the adult hits
true bottom.
Impacts on Adults
The effects of adult abandonment on themselves, their partner, and other
family members depend on...
-
whether each person is usually
guided by their true Self or not. The greater
any false-self wounds and unawareness, the
greater the impacts;
-
the bonding, loyalties, and priorities
of each family member.
-
the effectiveness of the family-members'
thinking and
communication,
-
the quality of social
support that each
member has,
-
whether the abandonment was...
-
impulsive and sudden, or planned and
foreseen, and...
-
caused by a romantic or sexual
affair, and...
-
the affect of the abandonment on the
family's financial stability and security; and...
-
the family's
grieving and
anger policies,
and religious or ethnic traditions.
Depending on factors like these,
the abandoning person may feel significant
regret, guilt, shame, anxiety, relief, frustration and/ or remorse for a
time, or chronically. S/He may need to privately or so-cially distort
what happened
[e.g. deny it, and/or choose a victim role ("I had no choice!")] to justify their "irresponsible,"
"selfish," or "immoral" behavior.
These compound emotions and related thoughts can add to the impact of
the adult's unhealed wounds from their own childhood, and may promote
addictions, self-neglect, and relationship avoidances and "cutoffs"
with key family kids, adults and supporters.
Abandonment and related
cutoffs and "strained
relations" can cause all family members significant losses and stresses.
Unless the family is
and intentionally working to
reduce false-self wounds and unawareness, these stressors may
significantly lower the family's
nurturance level. That raises the odds that the next generation will inherit and spread
the toxic
effects of the [wounds + unawareness]
A
major impact variable is whether family adults criticize, scorn, and
shun the abandoning adult, or view her or him with compassion as a
helpless victim of childhood neglect. Typical adults will need to be
guided by their
to feel genuine compassion and forgiveness.
Unaware and uninformed lay and professional people risk focusing only on the
abandonment and its effects, rather than on the primary problems causing
it (above) and how they affect the
family system.
Adapting to Abandonment
A therapy client whom I'll call Marvin came in to reduce a significant
depression . Our initial inter-view strongly suggested he was had
survived a
low-nurturance
(neglectful) childhood. He said that his son had just turned six - the
same age as when Marvin's father had left his mother and him to fend for
them-selves. She never told him why his father left, so he had to invent
his own explanations.
His wounded mother couldn't provide a
home, so young Marvin repressed his normal feel-ings of confusion, anger,
loneliness, and sadness. He said that for years he feared he had done
some-thing that drove his father away. When I suggested that his
"depression" might be long-overdue normal grief for his profound
childhood losses, he said he felt "relieved."
Over some weeks, I invited him to tell me how his father's abandonment
had affected him as a boy, man, and divorced father. As he examined and
described that, normal emotions surfaced, including bouts of healthy
tears and intense anger at both parents.
Marvin became interested in learning healthy
grieving basics (Lesson 5) so he could protect
his young son from blocked grief. As part of his own mourning, he
decided to confront his mother about his father's leaving and her "never
talking to me about it." He eventually stopped meeting with me as his "de-pression" gradually faded.
When an adult or teen abandons their mate or family, all members and
close friends experience at least temporary stress from significant
losses and family-system changes. Though details vary, there are several
common personal tasks that family adults and kids need informed support
with:
-
admitting and
grieving
(accepting) a web of losses (broken bonds), starting with "making
sense" of what happened, and why;
-
self and mutual
forgiveness;
-
admitting and reducing excessive
guilts and shame
to normal;
-
adjusting and stabilizing family
roles, rules, rituals,
loyalties, priorities, and identity;
-
maintaining or improving the family's
nurturance level;
and...
-
reducing fear of re-abandonment to normal - specially in
young kids.
These are all covered in this self-study course.
The rest
of this article focuses on options for preventing and...
Reducing Fear of
Re-abandonment
The first step toward managing this powerful anxiety is...
Assessment
The effects of an early-childhood abandonment from a caregiver's death
or absence can be signifi-cant and long-lasting. They may be subtle and
semi-conscious or obvious. It's probably unrealistic to try isolating
the effects of abandonment trauma from others caused by a low-nurturance
environment. Com-mon symptoms of these stressors include...
__ many of these behavioral
symptoms of false-self
dominance;
__ many of these
general symptoms of
excessive fears; and several of these:
__ a history of
relationships,
__ clear
symptoms of codependence (relationship addiction);
__ an implied or acknowledged fear of
commitment to a primary partner;
__ excessive possessiveness or control of a
primary partner;
__ excessive jealousy and
suspicion in primary relationships;
__ expecting to be "dumped" by the
current partner, despite genuine reassurances;
__ unusually strong emotional reactions to
stories of child neglect or abandonment;
__ strongly identifying with abandoned
children or adults;
__ strong biases against - or
reactions to - adults who abandon their mates and children;
__ inability to remember appropriate
details of known childhood abandonment;
__ excessive social isolation
or
compulsive socializing; and/or...
__ other unique symptoms.
These symptoms don't "prove" excessive fear of abandonment, but they
suggest it. A normal defense against experiencing significant fear,
shame, and guilts is reality distortions like denying and
minimizing symptoms like these
|
The fundamental requisite to reduce false-self wounds -
including excessive fears - is to work patiently to
empower
your wise resident
your
other
articles and the related
provide a practical framework for doing that.
|
Trying to reduce fears and related guilt and shame with "willpower,"
logic, and "right thinking" rarely works. Reducing fear of abandonment
usually requires creative "parts work" with common subselves like these:
The work goes like
this...
identify
which Guardian parts are protecting each of the young subselves,
and...
establish
trust between each of these parts and the true Self and
Nurturer. Then...
assess
whether any of these Inner Kids and Guardians are living in the
past, and bring any who are to
live safely in the
present with their fellow subselves. Then...
work
patiently and creatively with each Inner Child to help them (a)
tell their abandonment story as often as they need to, and (b)
validate and (c) safely release any repressed mem-ories and
emotions like rage, fear, guilt, and sadness. And...
plan and make
any useful confrontations and forgivenesses with family
members and others causing or affected by the original
abandonment.
test for
significant
(relationship addiction), and
work as
needed with the well-meaning Addict subself
to reduce any such compulsions. As you do these steps...
balance (a)
reducing fear of abandonment with (b) spotting
and reducing
related false-self wounds
and grieving
unmourned losses from other early traumas and deprivations.
repeat any of
these steps as needed to consolidate the gains and increase the
harmony and teamwork of all your subselves under the leadership
of your Self (capital "S") and other talented
.
Tailor these steps to fit your situation, and consider working with
a professional
inner-family thera-pist to facilitate your progress. Keep your
perspective: the goal is not just to reduce the fear of
re-aban-donment. It is to patiently unify and harmonize your talented
subselves under the expert leadership of your Manager personality
parts and benign Higher Power.
Pause and reflect - how do you feel about the ideas you just
studied? Do they make enough sense and seem credible enough?
Recap
The human saga is speckled with examples of parents and mates abandoning
their partners and children - i.e. of giving up on their
role-responsibilities, vows, and relationships, and traumatizing their
families. Other stories focus on the trauma of children abandoning their
parents and siblings. This article examines
It closes with
suggestions for reducing crippling adult
fear of re-abandonment using inner-family therapy, or
+ + +
Also see these articles on parental
neglect and
abuse.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
