A letter to people curious about or
skeptical of personality subselves
p.3 of 3

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The Web address of this 3-page letter is http://sfhelp.org/gwc/IF/letter.htm

Continued from p. 2... 

 If Subselves are Real, What Does That Mean?

        It means that you and people you care for are at risk of these common personal and relationship effects. If you're a human-service professional, it also means:

• if you're an unrecovering GWC you risk unintentionally enabling the [wounds + unawareness] cycle in your clients and patients, and giving flawed or harmful service; and it means...

• you have the opportunity (and moral obligation?) to alert professional colleagues, trainers, policy makers, and evaluators to the cycle, and why and how to break it; 

        Reflect on what you think and feel now compared to when you started reading this letter. What have you learned? Has your attitude about subselves, wounds, health, parenting, and marriage shifted? If you want to learn more about normal (vs. pathological) false-self wounding and it's effects, I suggest you read any of the books by Hal and Sidra Stone, Richard Schwartz, Virginia Satir, and/or John Rowan.

        If you're motivated to study normal personality subselves more now, go here. If your subselves aren't so motivated, read on... 

If You're Skeptical...

        Premise: human resistance to change or new experience comes from fear of significant discomfort. Your anxieties come from prior life experience ("Do not put your hand in boiling water!") So skepticism about or rejection of the concept of false-self wounding and its impacts probably means some of your subselves fear that accepting these ideas would cause you significant discomforts like these:

"Accepting this idea about personality subselves means something bad will happen to me." This kind of vague anxiety is typical of young subselves young subselves controlling your personality. A related option is that your Catastrophizer  (a common Guardian subself) is in charge. A true Self would generate thoughts like "I'm not sure about this idea about true Self and false self. It's probably worth more study before I decide whether to believe this or not."

Or...

"Accepting this personality-subselves concept means that I and/or someone I care about is sick or crazy." No, it means that you or they are normal.

Or...

"Accepting this false-self idea means that 'someone else' has been making my life deci-sions, and I'd have to mistrust my own perceptions and judgments." If you feel this, your dilemma becomes: "Do I want to continue living as a hostage to misguided, protective sub-selves who don't trust there's a viable safer/better way for me to live? How will I feel about this when I'm approaching my death?"

Or...

"Accepting this inner-wounds idea means that I would have to blame my parents and grand-parents for being inadequate caregivers, which is intolerable."

Parents who co-create low-nurturance family environments that foster false-self wounds deserve compassion, not blame - partly because their ancestors and society were unable to fill their early psy-chological and spiritual needs well enough.

More common fears...

"Accepting this inner-wound idea means that I have inadvertently...

• harmed my child(ren) and been a 'bad parent;' and/or I've...

• picked a significantly-wounded partner, and/or I have...

• (unintentionally) misled other people who have depended on me, and/or...

• I'll have to admit to myself and others that I've been wrong; and/or...

• someone I've respected as a wise teacher and a guide has been wrong; and/or...

Or...

"Fully accepting the implications of this false-self dominance idea means my professional work and/or the organization I work for is unintentionally providing misguided or harmful ser-vice. If I stay with them without working for change, I'll have to pretend to go along with values and beliefs I really don't agree with. I'll have to sacrifice my integrity for my security.

        True, which means your protective subselves choose security first and your integrity second. This promotes daily anxiety, shame, and guilt- "inner pain" - which relentlessly promotes false-self control and wounds;

"Accepting this inner-wound idea means I'll have to change my core beliefs about relation-ships, and show others that (or pretend...). That's likely to evoke resistance, conflict, and rejection. If I persist, I'll risk others' scorn, ridicule, disrespect, and possible censure and abandonment."

        The first part is probably true. The second part depends on (a) how and why you pre-sent your new view of personality subselves and false-self wounds to other people, and (b) how you react to their reactions (empathically, defensively, respectfully, sarcastically...). What strategy have you evolved so far for managing major values differences with other people?

        More possible resistances (fears)...

"Accepting this [ low-nurturance > inner-wounds ] cycle means that I'd have to live with believing...

• our whole society is wounded and ignorant,

• the majority of other people are really wounded, deluded, and living false lives; and...

• our government, and legal, educational, religious, and law-enforcement systems are misguided and focusing on the symptoms, not the causes."

        Pretty scary, isn't it? Social change is inexorable, and starts with individual convictions and decisions. The courageous people who "walked their talk" and risked reputations, friend-ships, and security to abolish colonial dominance, slavery, racial and religious bigotry, child exploitation, and women's inequality show us the way to reduce our epidemic of  unqualified child conception and low-nurturance parenting...

"Accepting this inner-family idea means that I...  (what?)

        These examples invite you to identify the fears that cause your subselves to reject, discount, or ig-nore the theme of Lesson 1 - assessing for significant false-self dominance and reducing any you find. Identifying your fears is a chance to learn about the subselves that govern your thoughts, perceptions, and actions. If they're too frightened, they'll creatively persuade you to do something else...

Reality Check

        Before we end, clarify where you stand now: T = "true," F = "false," and ? = "I'm not sure."

I can say out loud why I'm reading this letter.  (T  F  ?)

I can clearly explain what "family "nurturance level" means.  (T  F  ?)

I can clearly describe (a) what personality subselves are and (b) where they come from.
 (T  F  ?)

I have thoughtfully read these typical questions and answers about subselves and false-self wounds and recovery.  (T  F  ?)

I can (a) clearly describe what a "true Self" is, and (b) I'm sure my Self is guiding my personality now.  (T  F  ?)

I can clearly describe (a) what a false self is, and (b) at least six typical behavioral traits that indicate someone's true Self is disabled.  (T  F  ?)

I can clearly describe the six false-self wounds proposed in this Web site, and at least three of their common implications.  (T  F  ?)

I believe that motivated, aware people can reduce their false-self wounds over time by intentionally retraining and reorganizing  their subselves; and/or I want to learn more about this now. (T  F  ?)

I will assess myself for false-self wounds within the next 10 days  (T  F  ?)

I want to discuss the Lesson-1 concepts with one or more important adults in my life in the next week. (T  F  ?)

        Pause, breathe, and notice your self talk now. What did you just learn?

Recap

        This nonprofit stress-prevention Web site is partly founded on the ancient premise that normal human personalities are composed of a group of semi-independent subselves or parts. This open letter is written to people who are skeptical about or reject this alien, uncomfortable idea. It aims to (a) validate and ex-plore your reactions, and (b) raise your self-awareness. If you reject or ignore these core Lesson-1 pre-mises, most of the articles in this site will be of limited use to you.

Being "uninterested" or unwilling to learn whether subselves and wounds are real and personally relevant probably means you're controlled by a well-meaning false self without knowing it. Notice your reaction to this premise...

        To learn more about personality subselves and recovery from false-self wounds, consider investing in the Lesson-1 guidebook "Who's Really Running Your Life? - free your Self from custody, and guard your kids." (xlibris.com; 2010, 3rd edition). It integrates many of these Web articles and worksheets on wound-assessment and recovery.

        Before you decide, try this safe, interesting experience of having a dialog be-tween your true Self and one or more of your favorite subselves. Option - read this un-solicited testimony about doing parts work, and this example of subselves affecting a real stepfamily.

        I wish you well on your life journey, whatever your subselves decide..

 -  Peter Gerlach, MSW

Author and Founder, Break the Cycle! project
Member NSRC Experts Council 

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Updated  August 30, 2010