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This is one of a
series
of articles on
in
this Web site - free your
to guide you in calm and conflictual times, and
significant false-self
Lessons 2 thru 8 are founded on this one.
This letter assumes you're familiar with...
-
The
intro to this Web site
and the premises underlying
it
-
Self-study
Lesson 1
-
Normal personality parts or
subselves (like yours) - slides or
text;
-
Common questions about personality subselves;
-
The unseen [wounds + unawareness] cycle
that may stress your family -
slides or
text; and...
-
This
example of a real
family affected by the cycle
|
Premise - young human brains
adapt to a
environment by forming semi-independent
or
parts. In other words, normal young brains develop like a network of
interactive minicomputers, each with its own rules and "program" (special
function). This means that the word
per-sonality is like the terms team,
group, committee, orchestra, troop, troupe, clan, gang, squad,
band, class, crew, and family - a single thing made up of parts.
Typical people
are initially skeptical about (or scared by) the
concepts of...
-
personality subselves,
and
-
psychological wounds from
low-nurturance childhoods;
-
the common effects
of these wounds; and...
-
the need for personal
wound-reduction ("recovery").
If this describes you, I hope this letter will
motivate you to learn more about these concepts.
For refer-ence, about
80% of
site visitors taking this poll say
that subselves are real, "without question."
As a
wounded family therapist in recovery, I've studied
and worked with clients' subselves and my own for 18 years. I'm a veteran practitioner of the emerging field of
It applies the proven family-systems therapy principles to harmonizing
personality subselves.
Our
subselves interact
below conscious awareness.
Each subself is probably a discrete region in the brain which contributes
to converting sensory
signals into meaning, and responding to them.
We're the first generation in human history to see this brain functioning real-time, via Positron Emission Tomo-graphy (PET) and other
brain-scan
techniques. Brain-function modularity is now medically accepted be-yond debate.
Many different parts of your brain communicate together at once
to produce single sensory exper-iences
like "I pick up the fork." Individual brain regions collect and organize
special sensory information (e.g. shapes, colors, sizes, smells, motions,
facial expression, tastes, etc.), synthesize them into con-scious thoughts,
feelings, images, and senses, and then send programmed
responses to
organs and muscles ("My fingernails need trimming.")
The reality of
human "personality splitting" (multiple personalities) has been globally documented and
accepted for several decades. The false-self
dominance
proposed in this site is a mild version of
that natural phenomenon.
I assume the idea that your personality is made up of a group of
semi-independent subselves or parts is new to you. If so, the premises in this
Web site will require you to defend your present beliefs ("I have
no
personality subselves"), or to shift your beliefs,
based on new information and awareness.
Shifting requires you to
accept
that some
beliefs you've held about yourself and other people
have been mistaken. This can feel scary, specially if you're a parent or
grandparent, and/or you have a
profes-sional interest in human health, relationships, and behavior!
Like a growing
number of behavioral researchers, I believe that
our passive American acceptance of too little early-childhood
nurturance (need-filling) is a (or the) major cause of most social problems -
inclu-ding epidemic divorce. Disputing this idea is normal,
to avoid the awful implications. For example:
I sus-pect that our cultural
of low-nurturance parenting
(i.e. parental
and psychological
appears to significantly
harm
more millions of people than AIDS, heart disease, and cancer.
Notice your reaction.
Experience Your Subselves
I doubt that you'll adjust your beliefs about human personalities until you experience
your subselves in action. That requires an open mind,
focus, and patience.
I propose that you've lived
with evidence of personality subselves since early childhood. It's so common
as to be invisible. Consider these...
Common Signs of Subselves
Review your life experience:
have you ever...
Had one or several "inner voices" (thought streams)?
Had
internal conflicts like "I should do ___ but
I
don't want to"?
Felt ambivalent, or changed
your mind
about something? Had trouble making up your mind
occasionally or often? Made up your mind, and then struggled with significant
self doubt ("Did I make the right decision?")
Acted
impulsively and later regretted it, couldn't explain it, or
rejoiced?
Sent and received
mixed or double messages (e.g. "I love you / you disgust me")?
Seen both sides of a dispute?
- e.g. "I see why you believe that, but I don't
agree."
Behaved in ways that were dangerous or harmful to you or others, even
though you "knew better"? Common examples: lying to loved ones or
colleagues; eating too much sugar, fat, or carbohydrates (junk food); ingesting ethyl alcohol or nicotine (poisons); not
balancing work, rest, and play; and not getting appropriate
health care
(self neglect).
And have you ever...
Felt opposing emotions at the same time, like excitement and fear,
anger and empathy, or
compassion and revulsion? Have you concurrently loved and "hated"
someone, including yourself?
Had obsessive thoughts and/or
compulsive behaviors (e.g.
addictions, nail biting) you "couldn't control"?
Felt childish, overwhelmed, lost,
out of sorts, down, apathetic, confused, torn, upset, unfo-cused, uneasy, irritable,
depressed, distracted, or moody "for no reason"?
Put off
or
avoided doing something, felt guilty, and then
justified your
avoidance?
Wrestled with
perfectionism - i.e. feeling strongly that
your or another person's efforts aren't good enough?
Felt periods of intense, excessive or "irrational"
guilt, anxiety (worry), rage, pessimism, and/or
shame?
Had frequent
self-critical thoughts like "I am
so
stupid (ugly / fat / boring / inept / slow / lazy / uncreative /
...), and I could never succeed at _______"?
Had irrational
fears of personal or family
catastrophes ("I know one of us is going to get cancer and die. I just know it!"; or "I have this weird feeling I'm going to lose my job and be a
street bum.")?
Had episodes of feeling unusually clear, focused, energized, aware, serene,
confident, grounded, light, strong, resilient, clear, focused, compassionate, and
"up"?
and have you...
Observed these traits in many other normal
adults and kids?
After 50 adult years observing people - including 27 years experience as a
family-systems therapist
working with over 1000 average Americans, I conclude:
-
average adults and kids routinely have
most of these experiences, and...
-
the experiences are caused by normal
(subself) behaviors
below
conscious awareness.
Implication:
most (all?) normal people
have personalities composed of semi-independent subselves, and
they are not clinically "crazy," "defective," or "sick!" (Tho
we may
feel crazy at times.)
Notice your thoughts and feelings now.
If you feel "I am not governed by a group of personality sub-selves!," how do you explain
the common experiences above? Responses like "I don't know,"
"I don't care," "It doesn't matter," and "That's
just human nature" protect you from looking more closely at your-self and others.
Note a stark implication:
if you
have experienced some or many of the traits above, I propose that you
are occasionally or often ruled by a well-meaning
The alternative is being
directed by your wise resident
(capital "S"), which yields significantly different experiences
and behaviors.
Exercise - Meet Your Subselves, and "Talk to"
One or More of Them
|
Can you imagine having an internal conversation between your true Self
and one or more of your other subselves? More than any written words
or the traits above, this can help you validate the reality of
personality subselves. To check this out, try
rough-drafting your roster of
subselves. Then experien-ce "talking"
safely with one or more of them. |
If you
weren't able to do (or avoided) this experience, that suggests
that one or more controlling subselves were too scared to try it. If you
were able to talk with a subself, what did you learn? Option, try this
safe experience several times with
an open mind, and see if a pattern emerges.
My experience is that having
and significant
conflicts among them is normal.
The
exception is the extreme case once called "multiple personality
disorder" (MPD) by the American Psychiatric Association. The APA estimate
that this condition - now called
Dissociative
Identity Disorder (DID) - may affect up to 5% of living Americans.
So if
you have traits or experiences like those above, you may have two to six psychological
that you've unconsciously adapted to since
early childhood. If
so, these wounds steadily lower the quality of your relationships,
productivity, security, and "happiness," and your wholistic health - and
you don't know it.
Unawareness and/or
denial of disorganized subselves also put your minor kids at risk of
the same
wounds. Before self-awareness and
(inner-family harmonizing), we
survivors of low
childhood nurturance
accept false-self wounds as normal.
That's because we didn't know about sub-selves, and we've rarely experienced our true Self
People raised
in darkness will
have a hard time imagining or believing in sunlight and starlight until they see
them...
Notice your thoughts now. Is there one "voice" (thought stream) or
a chorus? Do you know which members of your
personality team
are "speaking"?
Reality Check
This letter is to people with normal skepticism or disbelief about
personality subselves, inner-woun-ding, disabled true Selves, and intentional
wound-reduction. See if one of these situations
describes you now:
I don't know enough yet about
subselves and "false-self
wounds" to agree or disagree with the concept. I'm open
to learning more, even if
it leads to changing some cherished beliefs about myself and human nature; or...
I disagree that the
common traits above are
caused by false-self dominance as I understand it. If so,
I (a) may be open to new information, or I (b) need to discount, "disprove," dismiss, or disagree with
the Lesson-1 premises in this site to protect myself (symptom: "Yes, but..." thoughts); or...
My
inner voices
(thoughts) distract me now by saying things
like "This is too complicated," or "...too heady;" or
"This is boring, unimportant, and/or irrelevant," or "I should be
doing (something other than reading this.)"
The rest of this three-page letter comments on each of these three situations. Before
continuing, reflect: why are you reading this? What
specific questions do you want
to answer?
I
assume you're reading this because you want to enjoy a high-nurturance family with a special partner and
perhaps one or more kids. You're mulling the premise in these articles that psychological
wounds in one or both partners
are one of five major family
You
may ignore or reject the
in this
nonprofit site because you don't believe that
a
dominates
people's personalities, thoughts, and behaviors without their knowing it.
|
If you don't need to learn more about how false-self wounds inhibit healthy
marriages and effec-tive co-parenting, go here.
Otherwise, let's explore the three possibilities above...
|
1) You're Willing to Learn More...
If you're an "open-minded skeptic," you may seek credible
answers to questions like these:
-
"If
this 'false-self dominance' exists, what
is it, and where does it
come from?"
-
"What
credible research findings indicate that false-self
control is widespread, so that I should let go of the (one brain, one
monolithic personality) belief society has taught me?"
-
"Why
does this author believe what he proposes? What are his
credentials? Can I trust his reasoning and judgment? Is he selling
something here? What are his motives?"
-
"If
'false-self wounding' is real, what does that
to me and
others I care about?"
You may not ask a last question, because
answering it
requires you to learn something about yourself that your
subselves may not
want (you) to know:
For example -
accepting subselves and related inner wounds probably means
some core beliefs about human nature and you are
partially wrong. Most of us are
reluctant to ac-cept that any basic beliefs about our
world are distorted or not true ("I tell you the Earth is flat
- just look!") Is this true of you? Can you recall
the last core belief you changed? What does it take to adjust your explanation
of "human nature?"
What
Are "False-self Wounds," and Where Do They Come From?
To start answering these questions, locate your current attitude about
personality "subselves" on this 1-to-10
range...
(1)
highly
skeptical <-----------------> (10) totally accept
Now please review these
overview and
FAQ pages and return.
Option: print those
articles and read them offline.
If you're uninterested or unwilling to read these five Web pages now, continue
here.
Did you get preliminary answers to the first two questions above? Did your position on the
1-to-10 scale shift?
Do you need a stretch break now before
learning more?
Continue
on page 2...
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