Frequently Asked Questions
 about Personality Subselves
p. 2 of  3

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  Where Did My Subselves Come From?

       It seems that we're born with the neural capacity to develop subselves or parts, like seeds, specially the Managers. Inner Children and their devoted Guardian parts seem to develop after some major trauma-tic incidents or periods that we experience, usually as infants and pre-teens. These are times we felt agonizingly hurt, shamed, confused, stressed, or terrified by caregivers, teachers, strangers, animals, and/or Nature.

        Often these traumas are so shocking and painful [e.g. abandonments (neglect) and sexual abuse] that protective subselves cause us to "forget" they happened. The personality fragments (parts) that ap-pear after these events seem to never forget, tirelessly guarding us against similar wounding and harm long after any real threat is gone. When feeling safe, subselves will usually tell or show what "started" them, and when, via thoughts, memories, and/or flashbacks.

       Often, Inner Kids are the same age as we were as real children when some great pain, shame, or terror occurred. Gently educating them and their steadfast Guardians and moving subselves to the pre-sent when all subselves feel safe enough, can permanently end harmful obsessions, compulsions, and other habits.

       For example: how does a child cope with the searing pains of feeling repeatedly ignored, ridiculed, or beaten by an essential caregiver? S/He can unconsciously develop a subself which aims to guard her from ever really trusting and relying on, and being shamed or hurt by, any adult male or female. Other subselves may oppose this, and strive for healthy relationships with safe adults.

        This creates a draining inner tension s/he may not be consciously aware of. It can cause the grow-ing child to "endlessly" feel exhausted, irritable, depressed, and to have dissatisfying "approach-avoid" roller-coaster relationships "over and over"...

       Meeting all subselves respectfully and patiently, bringing any "stuck" parts safely into the present, and making peace between conflicted subselves to let the wise resident Self (capital "S") guide them offers potential healing for such painful, depressing, unconscious struggles.

 What Do My Subselves Want?

       Every subself seems devoted to keeping themselves and their host person safe from pain and harm - as they define "safe." They strive fiercely to keep their roles or "jobs" intact, and to be free to use their gifts productively. Typical inner-family members long to be recognized, trusted, respected, and apprecia-ted for what they're trying to do for us. In early parts work, some subselves typically fear that other parts or an external person will misunderstand and dislike them, and want to "fire," kill, or banish them.

       Such anxious parts can resist your meeting or disclosing your inner teams (inner voices: "What stupidity! A real waste of time! Don't be a jerk! You're weird! This'll never work! Stop! You'll uncover a horror you can't handle! You'll flip out!") Or they can try to hide themselves by blocking any thoughts, sensations, images, or inwardly saying "I won’t talk to you or let you 'see' me!" These are normal de-fenses, which subside as subselves come to trust that they and you are really safe.

       Protective subselves can also be terrified that if you explore your inner world you'll find and "free" a paralyzed part they see as very dangerous to you or them. Patience, empathy, and safe risk-takings change this. Other inner-team members, specially young ones, will welcome you ("I've waited SO long to be noticed and cared for! Please don't leave me!")

  If I Have All These Subselves, Who am "I, Myself" - Who's ME?

       At first, inner-family terms can be confusing. Me, my self (little "s"), and I each can mean all your physical, emotional, and spiritual parts together: the whole person called by your name. Those titles may also mean (a) your Self (capital "S" - your resident inner-family leader); or (b) the subselves who have lo-cally blended with (taken over) your Self.

        Recall: when anxious, distrustful subselves overwhelm or merge with your Self, you may experience their  feelings, thoughts, and goals as "me." They are not you as a whole. If another subself controls your Self, "I" and "Me" refer to the controlling subself, not your Self or you as a whole person. Confusions sub-side when your Self is free, trusted by all other parts, and consistently in charge

       Incidentally, Manager subselves can take over your Self just like Inner Kids and their Guardians. Know anyone who's "always in their head"? Their true Self is probably controlled by their distrustful Ana-lyzer, and a protective Numb-er (Guardian) who may fear that allowing emotions would be disastrous to the whole person. Can you think of someone constantly obsessed with others' opinions and being "right"? Their Self may be "always" controlled by an alliance of their hyper-anxious Critic, Perfectionist, and Shamed Child.

 What's My True Self Like?

 Recall: your self (little "s") refers to [ all your subselves + body + spirit or soul ] together.

       Like all personality parts, your Self (capital "S") has special abilities. S/He is not more powerful or worthy than any other subself. Your Self's main natural talent and desire is to be an effective leader for all your subselves, in most situations. As such, her or his gifts and goals are to...

• Perceive current situations realistically in light of your knowledge, major abilities, limitations, and short and long-term goals,

• Seek and evaluate the counsel of inner and outer advisors as time and circumstances permit, and...

• Calmly (a) delegate and coordinate other subselves in making clear, wise decisions from a wide-angle, long-term perspective; and then (b) acting on the decisions and (c) responding effectively to the environment's reactions.

       Your Self is like a naturally talented musical conductor, drama director, jet pilot, congregational leader, or athletic-team coach. S/He decodes sensory information - perhaps with help from other sub-selves, skillfully clarifies and communicates goals, resolves impasses, delegates responsibilities, and builds morale and teamwork.

        Your Self can give recognition and praise, coach, and make artistic, complex, and tough judgments well, in most situations. When trusted by all other parts and free to lead, s/he can reliably counsel, en-courage, and empower other confused or overexcited parts in all kinds of life situations. As s/he does these, s/he feels the full range of human emotions like all other subselves.

       Can you imagine having such a leader in charge of your Life? Can you feel when s/he is in charge? At any moment, your Self may be...

• free to lead and coordinate, or...

• strongly influenced by (blended with), or...

• overwhelmed or paralyzed by other distrustful or over-excited subselves.

       Unlike a talented coach, CEO, or musical conductor, your true Self s/he can't fire or sanction rebel-lious team members. S/He can't stop other parts from interfering or taking control. There is no board of directors or police s/he can appeal to. S/He needs trust and willing co-operation from your other parts to be really effective for them and you. 

        Other subselves can come to believe in the judgment and leadership of your Self only from exper-ience. They then want to follow her or him from respect and trust rather than fear, resignation, or duty.

       As an eye can't behold itself without a mirror, your Self can't "see" itself in an inner image. S/He is the see-er. So if you work with your inner family and image "your Self," know that it's another subself. If your (unblended) Self says "I," it may refer to your whole person or your Self alone. This gets clearer as you do more inner-family harmonizing.

       Some theorize we have an inner family or "cast of characters" without a leading Self. Our momentary thoughts, feelings, and actions are a blend of all our parts, who get along by group consensus as some communes and organizations do. Leader Self or inner-family consensus - which concept fits better for you? From doing inner-family therapy since 1992, I believe that we each do have a skillful and dedicated executive Self. Once aware of the concept, most of my clients have agreed intuitively, and later from in-ner-family experience.

  How Do I Know When My true Self Is In Charge?

       Do you have periods of feeling some of these? How often do you get them? Would you like them more often? Many psychologically- wounded people have rarely or never experienced a clear-minded period of time when their real Self was solidly in charge. Understandably, such people may not relate to, or defensively scoff at the idea that such inner harmony is an actual option for them or anyone.

        Another way to judge who's leading your or another person's personality is to look for telltale attitudes and behaviors like these. For more detail on behavioral symptoms of the six psychological conditions that indicate false-self dominance, see these Lesson-1 checklists.

 How Do Parts Behave?

       A true story: A  30-something single Mom with a very responsible, stressful managerial job began to develop severe back pains that woke her up in the middle of most nights. As she tried to fall asleep again, she usually experienced "mind racing," obsessing on the chaos at work, and the difficult situations she faced both there and personally. Her doctor and a chiropractor could find nothing physically wrong. Meditation, aspirin, and prayer didn't help.

       She was becoming more and more exhausted, irritable, and distracted both at work and with her early-teen daughter and friends. Respectful inner-family inquiries revealed a part who said clearly it was responsible for the back pain and mind-racing.

        It gave her the image of a hulking teenage boy. He said he knew he was causing the woman dis-tress and pain, but saw no other way to ensure that she had enough time to carefully think through the next day's activities.

       "Hulk" only vaguely knew of her Self, and had no trust that it or any other subself could reliably pro-tect her against "failing" and being humiliated and shamed at work. It developed that the woman had a very young part that believed she was "no good," and the "Hulk" was devoted to protecting that Shamed Child.

        When respectfully acknowledged, "the Hulk" was willing to meet with the woman's Self and other competent Manager subselves. Over time, Hulk said he was willing to try to let them prepare adequately for the day's work. Her back pains stopped immediately, and stayed gone.

        For more perspective, review these common subself traits.

  Is There Any Danger In Meeting My Inner Family?

       No! At first, your Guardians and Inner Kids may feel alarmed and distrustful, and strongly resist. As they gradually come to trust that your intent is to learn about, appreciate, and help each subself use its gifts fully and effectively, and to reduce inner and outer conflict and stress, their resistances shift to en-thusiastic co-operation. In ignorance, our (wounded) culture links "personality fragmenting" (protective subself formation) with "mental illness," "sickness," and "craziness." Wrong! - Reality distortions and unawareness at work...

       People who show extreme false-self chaos ("Multiple Personality Disorder") are usually misunder-stood and feared. The idea that we all have a group of "subselves within" is not yet commonly considered, much less accepted.

        When first hearing the idea, many people are naturally skeptical, scornful, or amused by the idea (how about you?). This may be one or more of their scared parts doing their defensive job well. It also may be that such people truly "have it (their inner family) together (harmonious)."

       Some people (i.e. their Child and Guardian subselves) fear that doing parts work will unleash some awful "force," "demons," indefinable, destructive "things," or overwhelming feelings. In 16 years of doing inner-family therapy with scores of men and women and some kids, I have never seen this happen - or heard reports of it from clinical colleagues.

        When your other subselves clearly believe your Self is strong, wise, and trustworthy enough, repres-sed experiences and the memories and feelings attached to them can be safely experienced and relea-sed. Such recall often signals breaking old, protective emotional denials, and thawing long-frozen grief.

       These are tolerably uncomfortable, healing instances. From 16 years' experience, I believe that over time, such releases can free many people from unconscious bondage to some (not all) physical condi-tions like chronic pain, asthma, headaches, and insomnia; emotional states like panic or rage attacks, depressions, "hyperactivity," "seasonal affective" and '"bipolar" disorders, or "numbness"; or destructive habits like some obsessions, compulsive pessimism or idealism, addictions, over-isolation, and self-sabotage. Some of these do involve organic factors and genetic predispositions - and there is clear evi-dence that subselves interact with our body's organs, cells, and functioning.

        Doing inner-family ("parts") work is fail-safe: you (your parts) control it. You do only what you wish, when you wish, and how you wish it. This work is not magic or a cure-all. It is often an effective way for Self-motivated people to grow more serenity, confidence, productivity, and enjoyment in their life, over time.

        Parts-work can often help explain and reduce some vexing relationship problems, including code-pendence, marital conflicts, and parent-child struggles, when both partners use it cooperatively and re-spectfully. Partners who help each other harmonize their respective inner teams can have an excep-tionally strong, rich relationship. So can co-parents and kids!  

More frequently asked questions (FAQ) about our personality parts or subselves: 
 

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Updated April 01, 2010