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The Web address of this two-page checklist is http://sfhelp.org/gwc/1_gwctraits.htm

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        This is one of a series of articles on Lesson 1 of 8 in this Web site - free your true Self to guide you in calm and conflictual times, and reduce significant false-self wounds.

        These checklists assume you're familiar with...

the intro to this Web site and the premises underlying it; this overview of normal personality subselves this summary of false-self wounds this intro to Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) self-study Lesson 1. Q&A about subselves and wounds;

 Inner-wound Self-Assessment Checklists

       This is one of 12 checklists for assessing if you or another person has significant psychological wounds from a low-nurturance childhood. Coupled with widespread unawareness and denial, they pro-mote most personal, marital, family, and social problems. Self-study Lesson 1 in this non-profit Web site is about explaining, identifying, and reducing inner wounds and unawareness.

        This checklist summarizes 42 typical behavioral traits of people often governed by a false self. Also see this comparison of common true-Self and false-self behaviors. Use all the checklists over time to guard against false-self distortions.

  Directions

Print a copy of this checklist, and choose a place and time where you won't be distracted,

See if you feel a mix of these traits: centered, grounded, peaceful, alert, awake, "up," con-fident,  "light," focused, purposeful, resilient, realistic, compassionate, serene, calm, strong, and clear. If so, your true Self is probably guiding your other subselves. If you don't feel some of these now, expect skewed results from this checklist.

Pick one or two people you want to rate (e.g. you, your partner, an ex mate, a parent,...). Then thoughtfully check each of the traits below that generally fits them.

Note your attitude as you start: this is not about blame or "badness," it’s about discovering long-term opportunities to heal and succeed.

Take your time, and note any feelings and thoughts that occur to you as you go. Consider journaling about these to add to your learnings.

Typical Behavioral Traits of False-self Wounds

           Note the theme of each of these traits, rather than taking them too literally. There are many variations.

__  __  1) S/He usually thinks in black-or-white ("bi-polar") terms: s/he sees things as either right or wrong, good or bad, relevant or not, logical or "stupid" - not somewhere between, or a mix. S/He's mildly to very uneasy with ambivalence, vagueness, or uncertainty.

__  __  2) S/He is often a (compulsive) perfectionist. Achieving perfection is just "normal" (vs. special); S/He has trouble enjoying personal achievements, and is often uncomfortable accepting merited appreci-ation and praise.

__  __  3) S/He is often rigid and inflexible. S/He thinks obsessively, and/or acts compulsively, even if personally unpleasant, unnecessary, or unhealthy; or s/he is overly passive and compliant fearing to take personal, social, and occupational initiatives and risks.

__  __  4) S/He is usually serious, intellectual, and analytic, wanting to understand life and situations, and know in detail why things are as they are. S/He may be interested in psychology, counseling, and/or study and discuss human behavior "endlessly."

__  __  5) S/He is often confused, disorganized, overwhelmed, and helpless; or is fiercely independent, controlling, and overcompetent. S/He depends excessively on, or chronically procrastinates or avoids seeking appropriate medical, psychological, social, and/or spiritual help (self neglect);

__  __  6) S/He is uncomfortable being silly, spontaneous, or childlike ("doesn't know how to play"), or is frequently silly, simplistic, childish, and joking. S/He is uncomfortable with, and frequently avoids, prolon-ged emotionally-intimate personal contacts.

__  __  7) S/He is extremely responsible (over-willing to take charge, organize, and fix things, even if personally taxing); or frequently irresponsible and undependable; and probably denies, minimizes, or rationalizes (explains) doing either one.

__  __  8) S/He often has trouble feeling and/or expressing strong emotions, and/or tolerating them in others - specially anger, hurt, fear, and sadness. S/He often feels "nothing," or has frequent unpredic-table or inappropriate outbursts of rage, sadness, weeping, depression, and/or anxiety. S/He may never apologize, or apologizes all the time.

__  __  9) S/He compulsively needs to control personal emotions, key relationships, and interpersonal situations. S/He is overly aggressive, demanding, and domineering, or subtly, persistently manipulative - e.g. using guilt-trips or a "helpless victim" stance, striving to "always" get her/his way. Where true, s/he probably denies, minimizes, defends, jokes about, or rationalizes this.

__  __  10) S/He has significant memory gaps about early childhood years, events, and one or both par-ents. S/He knows little about one or both parents' childhood experiences and feelings, and finds that unimportant or unremarkable.

__  __  11) S/He's socially very shy or very adept, and has few or no real (intimate) friends. S/He has a history of relationship avoidances and/or break-ups, including divorce/s. S/He feels high discomfort with interpersonal commitment and/or intimacy, and consistently denies, minimizes, or rationalizes (intellec-tually explains and justifies) this.

__  __  12) S/He may be sexually dysfunctional - e.g. impotent, frigid, or compulsively avoids sexual con-tact; or s/he is harmfully seductive and promiscuous, and/or secretly uncomfortable with, or ashamed of, her or his gender, body (parts), sexual feelings and fantasies, and/or behavior. S/He may have been sexu-ally abused or traumatized as a child or young adult.

__  __  13) S/He "never gets sick," or suffers chronic illnesses like migraines or other headaches, back, neck, or other muscle pain; insomnia or apnea, obesity; asthma; gastric, intestinal, or colon problems; anxiety attacks; phobias; allergies, or other emotional or physical maladies which may not respond to appropriate medications or therapies.

__  __  14) S/He is significantly uncomfortable about revealing personal thoughts, feelings, and experi-ences (is excessively distrustful, or often discloses personal things inappropriately (naive, insensitive, and overtrusting)

__  __  15) S/He is uncomfortable giving, getting, and/or observing affectionate and appropriate touching and hugging (is "stiff" or "cold"), and/or often touches others dutifully, awkwardly or inappropriately.

__  __  16) S/He often avoids personal conflicts with or between others by changing or controlling the conversation, getting intensely angry, "collapsing," or withdrawing physically and/or emotionally ("num-bing out"); or s/he seems to often enjoy triggering or experiencing conflict (i.e. excitement and drama) with or between others.

__  __  17) S/He is compulsive about and/or is or was addicted to one or more of these:

__  __  18) S/He has children, relatives, and/or past or present partners who are compulsive about, or are or were addicted to, one or more of the above. 

__  __  19) S/He has recurring depression, apathy ("laziness"), and/or tiredness "for no reason." S/He may have periodic sleep disorders (e.g. insomnia) and/or nightmares, and may medicate these.

Me / You

__  __  20) S/He repeatedly feels "empty," "something's missing (in me)," or "I'm different (than other people) somehow...", without knowing why.

__  __  21)  S/He is significantly uncomfortable being alone or prefers solitude to an unusual degree and seems socially isolated.

__  __  22)  S/He has markedly low self-esteem and is often harshly self-critical and discounts her/his own talents and successes. S/He is constantly apologetic and/or defensive, and usually deflects or dis-counts merited praise. S/He often avoids making appropriate eye contact with some or most males / fe-males / authorities / people, and reflexively uses "you" or "we" rather than "I."

__  __  23)  S/He often experiences mind-racing or mind-churning: ceaseless "inner voices" (thought streams), which are frequently anxious or fearful, cynical and/or pessimistic, and/or critical, catastrophizing, argumentative, obsessive, and/or chaotic.

__  __  24)  S/He is often hyper-vigilant: i.e. anxiously alert to the present and expected painful actions of other people. S/He tends to assume others' (usually negative) perceptions, beliefs, and/or intentions, and to react to things that haven’t happened yet as though they had.

__  __  25)  S/He often smiles and/or chuckles inappropriately when nervous, hurt, confused, scared, angry, shamed, and/or worried. S/He is probably unaware of this habit, can’t explain it, and may joke about it to hide related guilt and anxiety.

__  __  26)  S/He often feels vaguely or clearly victimized by others or "fate", regularly avoids taking responsibility for her/his own choices, and ddenies or stubbornly rationalizes doing so; or s/he assumes too much responsibility, and feels guilty for things s/he can't control.

__  __  27)  S/He is highly sensitive to real or imagined criticism from others, and unnecessarily rational-izes, explains, and defends her or his actions and values. S/He is quick to blame others or often empa-thizes with "the other guy’s" situation and gives in easily.

__  __ 28)  S/He commonly fears, distrusts, is tense around, and/or argues with some authority figures. S/He feels very anxious without clear instructions, or compulsively resists them and acts independently despite others' irritation or frustration.

__  __  29)  S/He fears saying "no" and offending people or being rejected by them. S/He avoids setting appropriate limits (boundaries) with others, and feels reluctant to - and guilty about - respectfully asserting her/his own rights, needs, values, perceptions, and opinions.

__  __  30)  S/He confuses pity with love, and/or associates love with pain. S/He usually focuses on others' needs first, and seeks to rescue or "fix" them; or s/he is over-concerned with his or her own needs (is "self centered.") S/He avoids intimacy, or cyclically seeks, then runs from it - i.e. s/he has a history of approach-avoid relationships.

Me / You

__  __  31)  S/He hangs on dsperately to relationships that regularly cause significant shame, fear, guilt, hurt, resentment, sorrow, and frustration. S/He may repeatedly cycle between intense jealousy and guilt; Major personal relationship-choices are often largely based on fears of criticism, "being wrong," rejection, and abandonment;

__  __  32)  S/He often feels bored, restless, or uneasy without current personal or environmental crisis, drama, chaos, and/or excitement. At times s/he seems to seek or make crises, and denies, jokes about, or rationalizes (justifies) this.

__  __  33)  Typically s/he waits and reacts to situations or is often self-harmfully impulsive and proactive.

__  __  34)  S/He often feels alone, disconnected, or lonely, even in a group. S/He rarely feels s/he really belongs anywhere.

__  __  35)  S/He often seeks comfort, pleasure, and gratification now vs. later, even if that's self-harmful in the long run. S/He may defend, justify, or minimize this, rationalize it by saying "I can't help it," and/or deflects from it by joking.

__  __  36)  S/He prefers to work independently - e.g. as a consultant, craftsperson, or entrepreneur - and/or to work in a solitary setting. S/He changes jobs often or stays at the same job for years. S/He works in a human-service occupation or avocation (nurse or doctor, teacher, counselor, coach, clinician, lawyer, clergyperson, consultant, sales or service rep,…)

__  __  37)  S/He rarely or compulsively initiates social activities. S/He habitually avoids or compulsively seeks being the center of social and/or occupational attention.

__  __  38)  S/He is frequently self-centered and grandiose or subtly or clearly self-abusive, self-depreca-ting, self-sabotaging, and self-neglectful - e.g. eating poorly, overworking, avoiding exercise, and never seeing a doctor or dentist except in emergencies.

__  __  39)  S/He habitually withholds or shades the truth or lies to avoid expected criticism, rejection, and/or "hurting (displeasing) others." S/He denies or minimizes doing this, and secretly feels guilty and ashamed about it.

__  __  40)  S/He is secretly or openly critical or ashamed of her or his appearance and/or body. S/He may be extremely modest or very immodest. S/He consistently grooms and dresses shabbily and drab-ly, or "loudly," over-formally, or perfectly.

__  __  41)  S/He repeatedly chooses people with significant false-self wounds as mates, friends, and associates;

__  __  42)  S/He denies or discounts having many or most of these traits to excess, explains them de-fensively, and/or minimizes their personal significance - and s/he probably denies this denial, justifies it, and/or jokes about it.

        These are typical behavioral traits of someone often controlled by a false self. There are others - this is not an exhaustive list. Each wounded person has a unique mix and variety of traits like these, depen-ding on their life experiences, circumstances, ancestral inheritances, and which subselves dominate their personality.

        For more perspective, also see...

• these common traits of codependence,

• this comparison of common true-Self and false-self behaviors, and...

• .this research summary on kids from "risky families.".

 "Scoring" this Worksheet

        There is no research-based "scale" with which to reliably interpret your score here. The lower the nurturance level of a person's childhood environment, the more items above may be checked - but see # 42. Because none of us grew up in perfectly healthy childhoods, everyone has some of these traits.

        The real questions are which traits, how many, and what impacts are all the traits having on the person's life and health so far? Two common impacts are psychological and/or legal divorce or never committing to a primary partner. Other common impacts are addictions, depression, "anxiety attacks," "mood disorders," (some) obesity, and/or chronic health problems.

        If your results suggest that you (or whomever you rated) "aren't significantly wounded," I urge you to use the other 11 assessment checklists to validate or challenge that conclusion. Typical false selves are masters of distortion, and may fear your breaking any protective denials they maintain.  

Every adult and child can be subjectively placed somewhere on a line between "slightly wounded" to "extremely wounded." Generally, the more checks or "X's" above, the higher the odds that the person you're rating has signifi-cant false-self dominance and wounds. The greater the wounds, the greater the chances of  chronic trouble maintaining personal health, satisfying work situations, and lasting, healthy relationships.         As a rough guide, if you checked more than 15 of these 42 items, I suggest you or the person you rated... study Lesson 1 and these Q&A items, and... meditate on this article about "hitting bottom;" and... seriously consider some form of person-al wound-recovery with qualified help.         For options for relating well-enough to a wounded adult or child, follow the links..

View poll results

Status Check

        See where you stand now on assessing for false-self (psychological) wounds - T = "true," F = "false," and ? = "I'm not sure," or "it depends on (what?)";

I accept that normal personalities are composed of talented subselves, like members of an orchestra or sports team (T  F  ?)  If you don't, read this letter, and try this safe, interesting exercise.

I can explain the concept of a true Self and a false self to an average teen now. (T  F  ?)

I can name at least six common symptoms of a true Self guiding someone's personality  (T  F  ?)

I can explain what a family or other social group's nurturance level is, and how it relates to personality subselves (T  F  ?)

I accept the idea that survivors of a low-nurturance childhood often bear up to six "false self wounds.  (T  F  ?)

I can name all six false self wounds, and at least four common personal effects of these wounds on average people.  (T  F  ?)

I can explain what hitting ''true bottom'' means, to an average teen, and how hitting bottom relates to effective wound-recovery. (T  F  ?)

I believe that once protective denials are broken, significant false-self wounds can inten-tionally be reduced over time  (T  F  ?)

I am motivated to honestly assess myself now for significant false-self wounds.  (T  F  ?)

My true Self is responding to this status check.  (T  F  ?)

         All the content in this nonprofit Break the Cycle! Web site assumes you can answer most or all of these items "True," without ambivalence. If not, repeat your assessment if or when you hit true bottom...

       Note without judgment what you're thinking and how you feel now. What does that mean?

  Thoughts / Notes …




 


  Recap

        This is one of a dozen Lesson-1 worksheets to help assess whether you or someone else is often ruled by a false self (wounded). This worksheet is based on the observable reality that significantly-woun-ded adults were raised in a low-nurturance environment, and later tend to (a) choose wounded partners and (b) co-create a low-nurturance family of their own 

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or ''someone else''?

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Updated  June 20, 2010