Lesson 2 of 8 - learn effective communication basics and skills
	Options for Improving Your Communication - p. 1 of 2 Get more needs met more often! By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

• site intro > course outline, Lesson 2 study guide or links, search, forum, or other page > here

The Web address of this three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/improve.htm

Clicking a link below will open an informational popup or full new browser window, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this non-profit site.        This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving concepts. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving internal and social conflicts effectively.         The practical guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Lesson-2 Web articles and re-sources in this nonprofit Web site.         If you seek more effective communication with someone, try out the idea that you are at least half of any problems with them.         If you're looking for suggestions on how to change another person, refocus on changing yourself (e.g. by learning to communicate differently). Doing so can improve the quality of the relationship, if you choose a mutual-respect attitude.

View poll results

        This article is about significantly improving your communication effectiveness. It...

• provides preparation and motivational options, and key definitions;

• describes typical surface problems, and three interactive primary causes of ineffective communication,

• illustrates how false-self wounds affect communication outcomes; and...

• suggests how to improve your awareness.

       The article assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the premises underlying it, and  self-study Lessons 1 and 2

Prepare to Improve

        __  Learn what you need to know about effective communication - take this quiz.

        __  Say your definition of "effective communication" out loud. Then compare it to this one.

        __  Name...

several adults or kids you have chronic trouble communicating with (i.e. difficulty getting your needs met), and...

any situations you have trouble communicating effectively in, like job interviews, personal in-timacy, facing angry people, receiving major criticism, disrespect or praise (!); disciplining kids: and making important assertions and confrontations.

        __  Imagine what your life would be like if you could consistently communicate well with each of these people and situations. I guarantee you can, if you commit to studying Lessons 1 and 2 in this nonprofit site.

         __  Imagine any minor children in your life sitting in a group looking at you. Now imagine they are grown, and have adult kids and grandkids of their own. Imagine all of these adults and kids in a semicircle around you. The youngest child speaks for the rest of the kids. S/he asks "Please - would you show us how to think and communicate really well? If you don't - who will?"

        Try answering that question out loud now. Then reflect - how would you like to answer?

        To make what follows more real and less abstract, pause and think of several people you judge to be (a) really effective communicators, and (b) very ineffective communicators. Reflect on the criteria you use to make these judgments, and bring these people along as you learn.

        __  Rate yourself...

• On a scale of one (I'm never able to think effectively) to ten (I consistently think very effectively in calm and stressful situations), rank your recent ability to think (communicate internally) in calm ___ and stressful ___ situations. 

• On a scale of one (I'm never able to communicate effectively) to ten (I consistently communicate very effectively), rank your recent ability to communicate in calm ___ and stressful ___ situations.

• On a scale of one (I'm never able to problem-solve effectively) to ten (I consistently problem-solve  effectively), rank your recent ability to resolve problems and conflicts in calm ___ and stressful ___ situations.

Would people who know you well agree with your ratings? Option - ask them!

Premise - if you commit to studying and practicing the ideas in Lesson 2 here, you can rank yourself at least a solid 9 in each of these domains. How interested are you in achieving that for your-self and any descendents? For perspective, ~80% of site visitors who responded to the poll above  say they are "extremely interested."

 What is Effective Communication?

        Try answering this question out loud. After 45 years' study and reflection, I propose that effective (vs. "open and honest") communication occurs when each person involved clearly feels...

• they got their current primary (vs. surface) needs met well enough (in their opinion), and...

• they feel good enough about (a) themselves, (b) each communication partner, and (c) their process.

        Think of the last time you experienced "effective communication."  Were these two criteria clearly met? Now think of the last ineffective oral or written communication you exchanged. Were either or both criteria clearly not met? 

       In any communication exchange between two people, there are 16 possible combinations of these two criteria. Only one satisfies both criteria for both people, so in important situations, the odds of fully satisfying outcomes for two persons is just 6%!

  What Causes Ineffective Communication?

        Common "communication problems" - my partner...

never listens to me blows up or shuts down if I argue has to have the last word is too intellectual (or emotional) won't stay focused on one thing won't say what s/he wants is so illogical / "unreasonable" won't talk to me never apologizes is always pessimistic / optimistic doesn't keep her/his promises gives me double messages won't always tell me the truth

never lets me finish tells me what I think and feel criticizes and lectures me swears and calls me names keeps bringing up the past never shuts up won't look at me when we argue jokes too much / won't take me seriously makes everything sexual repeats the same thing over and over talks down to me   will never get specific (generalizes) does other things when we talk

        Complaints like these are "communication problems" - and each of them is a surface issue. Trying to correct any of these permanently is often a frustrating waste of time and energy. Discover the primary needs causing these surface problems, and seek to fill them together!

Three Primary Problems (Opportunities)

        My experience over half a century suggests that three factors combine to hinder effective commu-nication, regardless of maturity, education, gender, and profession:

• false-self (psychological) wounds,  and...

• not knowing...

  • descriptive words (a limited vocabulary),

  • communication basics and skills, and of...

  • healthy-relationship basics. And...

• chronic unawareness of personal, relationship, and communication dynamics.

        You can't validate or discount this premise until you know more about each factor. Has anyone ever taught you about them? Are you teaching your kids about them yet? Our wounded, unaware society pro-motes ignorance of these factors so far.

        The good news: you can significantly reduce each of these three factors over time and improve your communication outcomes once you understand and admit them. The bad news: you're probably con-trolled by a well-meaning false self (wounded) and may be living and working in a low-nurturance environ-ment. These may hinder you from wanting to improve the factors above. 

        The rest of this article outlines specific options for improving each factor over time.

1)  Reduce Your False-self (Psychological) Wounds

        A basic premise in this self-improvement site is that normal personalities like yours are composed of a group of talented but uninformed "subselves." Many of us who survived traumatic childhoods are strongly influenced by some of these subselves rather than guided by our talented true Self. Until that changes, our "false self" makes effective thinking and communication difficult.

  How Inner Wounds Block Communication

        To see how inner-family (subself) communication affects your outer communication, meet Gina and Tom. Both thirty-something, they divorced conflictually several years ago. They have joint custody of their nine-year-old son Harold, and need to talk together weekly about him. Both acknowledge that "poor com-munications" was one reason that they separated after six years of marriage. 

        Their expensive, frustrating work with a marriage counselor and a divorce mediator didn't focus mean-ingfully on the two real problems hindering their communication. Both Gina and Tom came from low-nurtur-ance childhoods, and are significantly wounded as a result. Neither knows this, though each is pretty sure "something's real wrong" with their ex mate. Each of them is also unaware of the ideas in this article. Like most average adults, they don't know what they don't know.

        Three simultaneous dramas unfold when Tom calls Gina to discuss Harold's alarming report card:

1) the dialog among his subselves ("thinking"), plus...

2) the dialog among her subselves ("thinking"), plus...

3) the verbal and nonverbal exchange between them.

Versions of these dramas have happened many times before, despite both parents feeling dissatisfied with the outcomes. They each care deeply for their son, and feel sadness and great guilt about Harold's suffer-ings from their divorce.

        The titles in italics are different personality subselves. The words are the subselves' "speaking" (con-scious thought streams). If you're not clear on personality subselves yet, what follows will make more sense if you first read this two-page overview of inner families (like yours)!

TOM - before calling his ex-wife Gina about their son...

Catastrophizer - "Four D's! Oh, man - Harold's gonna flunk! He'll never make college, and have to struggle for money his whole life! We'll have to support him forever, and that means..."

Good Dad (Nurturer) - "Oh, shut up, Gloom King - we have to help Harold - now!"

Inner Critic - (acidly) "Really nice job, Tom. What drug were you on when you thought you could be a com-petent father? Now Harold's failing, because you messed up."

Shamed Boy - "See - I AM no good!"

Distracter - "Hey - a beer would taste great right now! Why don't you..."

True Self - "Not a good idea. You've already had two... We should call Gina and talk this report card over."

Good Dad and Practical Adult- "Yes, good. Do it."

Historian - "Remember the last couple of times we talked about Harold's school problems, Gina blamed me, and blew up."

Skeptic- "Yeah - we can call, but you'd better brace yourself for the usual - hysteria, accusations, and no constructive ideas."

Inner Judge (or Critic) - "What a lousy excuse for a woman and mother she is - how did you ever get invol-ved with her?"

Practical Adult - "You'd better balance the check book before you go to bed - you bounced two checks last month, and that cost us."

True Self - "Stay focused on Harold - he needs help from Gina and all of us. Call her now." 

Tom dials her number, and she answers. Bold words are spoken, and words in italics are thoughts.

TOM (distracted by tooth pain) "Gina?" Skeptic - "Hear that voice tone? No way she's going to listen now! This is a waste of time." Peacemaker- "Easy does it, go easy, now ..." Good Dad - "Come on, we can do this..."	GINA (weary from work, slight headache) "Hello? Oh... Tom" Worrier - "Oh God, what kind of problem is he going to dump on me now? " Optimist - "Wait a minute - maybe we can have a good conversation, for a change. Maybe this time..."
"Have you seen Harry's report card?" Analyzer - "Could it be a problem with a teacher? Maybe Harry's glasses are too weak, or..."  "I'm kinda worried. Harry's grades have been dropping this whole school year." Good Dad - "Sounds like good ideas..." Practical One - "Hey, where's the money going to come from? We can't afford a tutor." Judge - "See, there she goes taking control again. Hell will freeze before she thinks about asking our opinion. She is so self centered... Historian and Guilty Boy - "Last time, the coun-selor implied Harry's problems came from our break up. She talked about parents 'like us'  needing post-divorce counseling. His low grades are really our fault..."	"Yeh, I just read the mail a few minutes ago." Good Mom - "Ah - Tom and I really do need to talk together about this..." "I'm concerned too. I think he feels bad about it - he's holed up in his room now. We ought to set up a conference with his coun-selor, and maybe consider a tutor."
"Well, I'm not real crazy about Ms. Richard-son (the school counselor). She's got 40 kids to take care of, and I..."	Judge - "See, right away, it's the 'yes but' game. I make a constructive suggestion, and Tom shoots it down with no alternatives. Why did he call me, anyway? What a jerk!" (sarcastically) "Well Tom, what do you think we should do?"
Judge and Skeptic - "Uh huh - here we go again..." "Gina, you know I feel he watches too much TV at your house. Why don't you cut that back, and pay closer attention to his home-work?"	Guilty One - "He's right. I really should insist Har-ry do his homework first.' Weary One - "But he puts up such a stink - it's just easier just to let him watch..." Inner Critic - "No excuse. You chose to have Har-ry, and you are responsible - so stop whining, and do your job!" Shamed One - "Aagh - I am so BAD!" Good Mom - "I'm really trying, but it's so hard, be-cause..." True Self - "Wait - wait all of you. Calm down, so we ...!" Chorus - "Ah, shut up, wimp!" Scared Girl - "Something bad is going to happen. I'm gonna get hurt again!" Amazon (Guardian) - "NO! We are not going to let him trash us again! Watch this!" "Ah, so you think that I'm causing Harry's bad grades, because I'm a lousy Mother, huh? We're going to get into finger pointing and complaining again? Some things never change..."
Warrior (Guardian part) "You want to fight, Gina? Fine with me, you b_____. I know just how to make you back off." Good Dad - But wait, this is about Harry ..." Anxious Boy - "Oh no, no..." Skeptic - "See - I told you so!" Health Director - "Man, your tooth really hurts! You have to get to the dentist this week." Catastrophizer - "This is bad. Gina' and her shark lawyer'll probably turn this into a tabloid court fiesta. That'll mean..." Shamed Boy - "Dad was right - I'll never amount to anything." Distracter - "Look, this is going nowhere. Tell her you'll call back, and get that cold beer..." Warrior - "Oh no you don't. We've had a lifetime of backing away from controllers like her. Time to stand up and draw the line!" True Self - "Will you all be quiet so I can think? I can't make a good decision unless you all..." Chorus - "Yeah sure - your 'good decisions' got us into this mess! Butt out!" <<< inner chaos / mind babble / tooth pain >>> Paralyzer (Guardian part) "Alright, this is too much. I'm going to shut everyone down." (Silence)
	"Are you still there?"

        Notice what you're thinking and imaging. This three-way drama took under two minutes to happen. Similar versions had happened hundreds of times before, which conditioned these parents to expect "poor communications." How would you guess this conversation turned out?

        Think of the last conflictual conversation you had. Can you imagine your and your partner's subselves interacting like this?

Continued...

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Updated  April 02, 2010